ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #921!!

HAZEL N. OF OWL MOUNTAIN, WY ASKS:

MY SON IS GROWING UP TO BE A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

ANSWER:

FIRST, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!! YOU'VE JOINED THE ELITE RANKS OF WOMANHOOD: MOTHERS WHO HAVE RAISED A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! MOST WOMEN WON'T TRY, AND OF THE FEW WHO DO, EVEN FEWER SURVIVE!!

SECOND, DO NOTHING!! THE MASCULNITY WILL COME ON ITS OWN!! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS KEEP FEEDING HIM PLENTY OF RAW WOLF AND EXPLOSIVE ELEPHANT BULLETS!! REMEMBER, A BOY'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS HIDEAWAY BAZOOKA THAT FIRES ANGRY MOTHER BEARS, BUT HIS MOTHER ISN'T FAR BEHIND!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! JOB I COULD THINK OF IN THE WORLD!!

I'VE THOUGHT A LONG TIME ABOUT THIS, AND HAD IT NARROWED DOWN TO FIVE FINALISTS!!

1) LAVA SURFER!!

THIS WOULD BE A SERIOUS CONTENDER IF IT WASN'T FOR ONE LITTLE THING: IT DOESN'T EXIST!! NOT THAT NO ONE DOES IT; THAT'S LIKE SAYING THAT THERE ARE NO COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN HEAD-BUTTING DOWN EVEREST!! OF COURSE PEOPLE DO IT, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE A LIVING AT IT!! THEREFORE, IT HAD TO BE CUT FROM THE LIST!!

2) BULL PUNCHER!!

SHOW ME A BULL, AND I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING THAT NEEDS PUNCHING IN THE FACE!! HARD!! THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN CAN ONLY PUNCH EACH BULL ONCE!! THAT'S BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES ONE PUNCH FROM HIM TO LIQUIFY THE BULL!!

3) SESTINA WRITER!!

AT FIRST GLANCE, IT SEEMS LIKE WRITING POEMS WOULDN'T BE A VERY COBRASAURUS!!!!! JOB, BUT THAT DOESN'T TAKE SOMETHING INTO ACCOUNT: SESTINAS ARE HARD TO WRITE!! ALSO, YOU HAVE TO DO IT UNDERWATER WHILE WRESTLING SHARKS!!

4) RATTLESNAKE WHISPERER!!

HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: RATTLESNAKES HATE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO!! THEY ALSO HATE TO BE WHISPERED AT!! PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING THEY DON'T HATE IS BITING PEOPLE, WHICH HELPS EXPLAIN THAT WHILE THERE ARE VERY FEW OLD RATTLESNAKE WHISPERERS, THOSE ARE EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD!!

IN THE END, THOUGH, THERE WAS ONLY ONE CHOICE: 

5) WOLVERINE MILKER!!

MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN WAKE UP ONE WOLVERINE BY PUNCHING IN THE FACE AND THEN GET ENOUGH MILK FOR THEIR OWN BREAKFASTS!! A RARE FEW WAKE UP TO 400 OF THEM BY PUNCHING THEM IN THEIR FACES AND THEN HERD THEM INTO MILKING SHEDS TO HOOK THEM UP TO VIOLENTLY COMPLICATED APPARATUSES FOR MILKING THEM TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES!! AS A REMINDER, WOLVERINES ARE 60-LB. WEASELS THAT REGULARLY KILL MOOSE!! THEY ALSO DON'T LIKE TO BE MILKED!! WHICH MEANS SOME ASK: WHY DO IT?!! BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET WOLVERINE CHEESE!!

REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT WOLVERINE CHEESE: IF YOU ASK HOW MUCH YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT, AND IF YOU ASK WHY YOU DON'T DESERVE IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!!!