COBRASAURUS!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN #72

IF YOUR BAND ISN'T MASCULINE ENOUGH, REMEMBER ...

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! BAND ALWAYS HAS A BEAR IN IT!!

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I DECIDED A WHILE BACK TO QUIT DOING CS!!!!! WITH THE 100TH POST, AND THIS IS #98!!

CHUCK NORRIS BIDS A WRONG-HEADED FAREWELL TO COBRASAURUS!!!!!!

A PUBLICIST FOR CHUCK NORRIS RELEASED THIS STATEMENT TODAY: 

"MR NORRIS SINCERELY REGRETS THE DEMISE  OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! EVEN MORE THAN HE REGRETS HIS APPLICATION BEING REJECTED 247 TIMES!!  HE JUST WISHES THERE WAS SOMETHING HE COULD DO TO KEEP IT FROM DISAPPEARING FOREVER!!

"MR NORRIS ALSO WANTS TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT HE HAS RECENTLY EXPANDED HIMSELF AS AN ACTOR AND IS CURRENTLY APPEARING IN A REMAKE OF THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST AS AN OVERWHELMING SIDEBOARD."

This is a jaguarundi. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

IT APPEARS LACEY NORRIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG, AS USUAL!! COBRASAURUS!!!!! ISN'T ENDING -- NOT EVEN THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE COULD STOP IT -- I JUST WON'T BE WRITING IT!! AND CONGRATULATIONS!! WE HAD JUST FINISHED REJECTING YOU THE 248TH TIME.

HOW A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN UNWINDS!!

SOMETIMES EVERYBODY ,INCLUDING COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN, NEEDS TO RELAX!! TO DO THAT, WE LIKE TO PLAY THE MOST MASCULINE SPORT OF ALL, RUGBY!!

After the man with the ball was killed, his teammates ate his body.

WE PLAY WITH STANDARD RULES -- WHICH SEEM TO A COMBINATION OF SOCCER, PRO RASSLIN', AND WAR -- WITH ONE EXCEPTION!! INSTEAD OF THE GIRLY, PATHETIC "BALL", WE USE A GRIZZLY BEAR!!

Note: black bears are smaller and suited for children's leagues.

SPECIAL THANKS TO EMILY DANGER BLOOM, WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF BEAR RUGBY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

BUILDING A BETTER BEAST THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WAY!!

IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN THAT THE WOLVERINE IS NOT THE GREATEST ANIMAL ALIVE!! THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE AROUND 70% OF THE EARTH IS COVERED BY OCEANS, AND A WOLERINE IS OF VERY LITTLE USE 300 FEET DOWN!!

Cannot breathe water, fire, or solid stone.

EVEN WORSE, WE'RE TOLD THAT MOST OF THE EARTH IS MADE OF MAGMA, AND DECADES OF CAREFUL EXPERIMENTATION HAS SHOWN THAT THEY DO EVEN WORSE IN THAT THAN UNDERWATER!!

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS -- BESIDES A STEAM-POWERED PILEDRIVER TO THE FACE -- IS A CREATURE THAT CAN DOMINATE ANY ENVIRONMENT!! AS ALWAYS, WHEN NATURE FAILS, A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN'S IMAGINATION PROVIDES!!

THE SCARIEST ANIMAL IN THE OCEAN IS THE GREAT WHITE SHARK!! ONE OF THE MOST FEROCIOUS BEASTS ON LAND IS THE GRIZZLY BEAR!! NOW PUT THOSE TOGETHER!! AND IMAGINE IT CAN FLY!! AND CAN NOT ONLY SURVIVE IN LAVA, BUT BREATHE IT!!

Artist's rendition. Note the lack of wings.

Scared mountain goat not included.

REALITY MAY LET YOU DOWN, BUT COBRASAURUS!!!!! NEVER WILL!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #19740711!!

ELVIS A. OF BEAVER, OK ASKS:

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE A PACIFIST?

ANSWER:

YES!! SINCE I CONQUERED ASIA SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND BROKE THE SPINE OF THE SUN, THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT TO FIGHT!! NOW I JUST STRIDE THE WORLD LIKE SOME KIND OF MAN-GOD!! IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY BEING A TOWERING COLOSSUS OF MASCULNITY, BUT IT NEEDS DOING!!

FIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE THE OLYMPICS!!

THE OLYMPIC GAMES ARE BEING HELD THIS SUMMER IN RIO DE JANEIRO, A CITY BUILT ENTIRELY OF FEATHERS AND POOR PEOPLE!! UNFORTUNATELY, THE OLYMPICS ARE ALSO VERY BORING!! HERE ARE FIVE WAYS TO LIVEN THEM UP!!

SWITCH THE SUMMER AND WINTER GAMES!! THE ONLY THING HARDER THAN RUNNING A MARATHON IN SIX FEET OF FRESH SNOW IS FIGURE-SKATING IN THE JUNGLE,, BETTER YET, HOLD THE SUMMER OLYMPICS IN THE HIGH ARCTIC EVERY TIME!! THIS WOULD NOT ONLY ALLOW GREENLAND TO HOST THE GAMES, IT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER TO IMPLEMENT ONE OF MY OTHER IDEAS, THE INTRODUCTION OF POLAR BEARS TO EVERY EVENT!!

STOP USING ATHLETES!! THAT WOULD ELIMINATE THE RICH COUNTRIES' ADVANTAGE!! JUST PICK PEOPLE AT RANDOM TO COMPETE!! WANT TO KNOW WHETHER THE AVERAGE UGANDAN CAN OUTSWIM THE AVERAGE LAOTIAN?!! ONLY THE POLAR BEAR KNOWS FOR SURE 

GET RID OF SOME EVENTS!! BALLROOM DANCING IS SOMETHING YOUR WIFE DRAGS YOU TO, NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT!! THIN THE HERD A LITTLE!! IF YOU MUST KEEP THE SAME NUMBER OF EVENTS, CHANGE THE ONES NOBODY CARES ABOUT TO SOMETHING MORE MASCULINE!! FOR EXAMPLE, BALLROOM DANCING SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH ALLIGATOR RASSLIN'!! AT THE LAST MINUTE!!

HAMMER CATCHING!! IT APPARENTLY TAKES A MUSCLEBOUND TROGLODYTE TO THROW A HAMMER. SO LET'S SEE WHAT IT TAKES TO CATCH ONE!! (BONUS POINTS FOR USING MC HAMMER!!!) IN FACT, THERE SHOULD BE A RULE THAT ANYTHING THROWN AT THE OLYMPICS HAS TO BE CAUGHT, INCLUDING PENALTY FLAGS, TRASH, AND JAVELINS!!

JUST GIVE ALL THE GOLD MEDALS TO THAT GUY FROM OMC!! THAT'D SURPRISE THE HECK OUT OF HIM, AND THE PEOPLE WHO WON THEM!! HOW BIZARRE!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL!!

WELL OVER NO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME OVER THE YEARS WHAT THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!!! NATION ON EARTH IS!! AFTER ALL, THE MONGOLS WERE ONLY #2, AND WHO COULD BE TOUGHER THAN THE MONGOLS??

That question is not as good as you might think.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE COUNTRY THAT COULD COMPARE UNTIL I SAW THAT PICTURE!! NOW THERE ARE ABOUT 40!! BUT THE ONE AT #1 IS PROBABLY NOT ONE YOU WOULD GUESS!!

 

Probably not, but as long as it doesn't involve Mongols in Speedos I'm okay.

AND IT'S NONE OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS EITHER!! IT'S NOT AMERICA OR RUSSIA!! IT'S NOT CHINA OR AUSTRALIA!! IT'S NOT BLAUSTRALIA, WHICH I JUST MADE UP!! AND IT'S NOT GERMANY!! AS NEAR AS I CAN TELL, THOSE PEOPLE JUST SPEND THEIR TIME COMING UP WITH WEIRD EXPERIMENTS INVOLVING CATS!!

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: I don't need no lip from no cat in a box.

NO, THE MQST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION THAT'S EVER EXISTED WAS A FEW TEA-SIPPERS ON A SMALL ISLAND WHO NEARLY RULED THE WORLD!! AND THEY DID IT LOOKING LIKE THIS:

To be fair, only the popular kids got to dress this way.

THAT'S RIGHT!!  EVEN THOUGH ITS CITIZENS ARE UPTIGHT, INVENTED CRICKET, AND OFTEN SOUND HOMOSEXUAL, THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL TIME IS THE UK!!

I was going to show a map of the British Empire, but this lion ate it. Just assume they were your overlords at some point.

BUT, YOU MIGHT ASK, WHAT MAKES THEM SO VERY MASCULINE THAT THEY HAVE THE TOP SPOT?!! WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY CAN ALL BREATHE FIRE (THAT'S ACTUALLY DRAGONS) AND CLOSE THE PROTECTIVE SHELLS OVER THEIR EYES (THAT'S ACTUALLY NOTHING), THE BRITISH HAVE BEEN AT WAR WITH ALMOST EVERYBODY!!

P

The countries in white haven't been invaded by the British yet, but Chad's been asking for it.

AND THEY WIN A LOT MORE THAN THEY LOSE!! THEY EVEN CONQUERED THE SCOTS, AND THOSE PEOPLE GOT NAKED AND PAINTED THEMSELVES BLUE JUST TO HANDICAP THEMSELVES!!

"Uhh ... och aye, that's why we did it. Hoot mon." (Note: this man is not Scottish.)

AND THEY RULED IRELAND, WHICH HAS OTHERWISE ONLY BEEN DONE BY ALCOHOL!!

There are 29 drunks in this picture. I only found 14. How many can you find?

AND If THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH, IT WAS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN EUROPE TO STARE DOWN HITLER!! AND THEY DID IT WITH A GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE HE WORKED AT A WAL-MART IN TULSA!!

He actually worked at a Tesco's in Sudbury.

AND LEST WE FORGET:

You're welcome, weirdos.

WHO KNEW YOU COULD EVEN GET SPEEDOS WITH LONG SLEEVES?!!

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And that's how my last post on CS!!!!! ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a couple of mostly-naked Mongolian wrestlers. I know you'd expect no less from COBRASAURUS!!!!!!, and no less from me.

This all has been a parody of hypermasculinity, ūbermanliness taken to a ridiculous extreme and then some. But what is real masculinity? (I know nobody asked, but this is the serious part.) I've thought about it, and I think there are three things a real man does:

1. Keeps his word 

2. Takes responsibility 

3. Does what needs doing 

It doesn't matter what you look like, what you drive, or what you do for a living. All those things can be taken from you in a second. Character can't.

And that's all I've got. Just remember:

IF LIFE HAD A FACE, COBRASAURUS!!!!! WOULD PUNCH IT IN THE NECK!!