COBRASAURUS!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN #72

IF YOUR BAND ISN'T MASCULINE ENOUGH, REMEMBER ...

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! BAND ALWAYS HAS A BEAR IN IT!!

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I DECIDED A WHILE BACK TO QUIT DOING CS!!!!! WITH THE 100TH POST, AND THIS IS #98!!

CHUCK NORRIS BIDS A WRONG-HEADED FAREWELL TO COBRASAURUS!!!!!!

A PUBLICIST FOR CHUCK NORRIS RELEASED THIS STATEMENT TODAY: 

"MR NORRIS SINCERELY REGRETS THE DEMISE  OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! EVEN MORE THAN HE REGRETS HIS APPLICATION BEING REJECTED 247 TIMES!!  HE JUST WISHES THERE WAS SOMETHING HE COULD DO TO KEEP IT FROM DISAPPEARING FOREVER!!

"MR NORRIS ALSO WANTS TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT HE HAS RECENTLY EXPANDED HIMSELF AS AN ACTOR AND IS CURRENTLY APPEARING IN A REMAKE OF THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST AS AN OVERWHELMING SIDEBOARD."

This is a jaguarundi. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

IT APPEARS LACEY NORRIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG, AS USUAL!! COBRASAURUS!!!!! ISN'T ENDING -- NOT EVEN THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE COULD STOP IT -- I JUST WON'T BE WRITING IT!! AND CONGRATULATIONS!! WE HAD JUST FINISHED REJECTING YOU THE 248TH TIME.

HOW A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN UNWINDS!!

SOMETIMES EVERYBODY ,INCLUDING COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN, NEEDS TO RELAX!! TO DO THAT, WE LIKE TO PLAY THE MOST MASCULINE SPORT OF ALL, RUGBY!!

After the man with the ball was killed, his teammates ate his body.

WE PLAY WITH STANDARD RULES -- WHICH SEEM TO A COMBINATION OF SOCCER, PRO RASSLIN', AND WAR -- WITH ONE EXCEPTION!! INSTEAD OF THE GIRLY, PATHETIC "BALL", WE USE A GRIZZLY BEAR!!

Note: black bears are smaller and suited for children's leagues.

SPECIAL THANKS TO EMILY DANGER BLOOM, WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF BEAR RUGBY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

BUILDING A BETTER BEAST THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WAY!!

IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN THAT THE WOLVERINE IS NOT THE GREATEST ANIMAL ALIVE!! THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE AROUND 70% OF THE EARTH IS COVERED BY OCEANS, AND A WOLERINE IS OF VERY LITTLE USE 300 FEET DOWN!!

Cannot breathe water, fire, or solid stone.

EVEN WORSE, WE'RE TOLD THAT MOST OF THE EARTH IS MADE OF MAGMA, AND DECADES OF CAREFUL EXPERIMENTATION HAS SHOWN THAT THEY DO EVEN WORSE IN THAT THAN UNDERWATER!!

WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS -- BESIDES A STEAM-POWERED PILEDRIVER TO THE FACE -- IS A CREATURE THAT CAN DOMINATE ANY ENVIRONMENT!! AS ALWAYS, WHEN NATURE FAILS, A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN'S IMAGINATION PROVIDES!!

THE SCARIEST ANIMAL IN THE OCEAN IS THE GREAT WHITE SHARK!! ONE OF THE MOST FEROCIOUS BEASTS ON LAND IS THE GRIZZLY BEAR!! NOW PUT THOSE TOGETHER!! AND IMAGINE IT CAN FLY!! AND CAN NOT ONLY SURVIVE IN LAVA, BUT BREATHE IT!!

Artist's rendition. Note the lack of wings.

Scared mountain goat not included.

REALITY MAY LET YOU DOWN, BUT COBRASAURUS!!!!! NEVER WILL!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #19740711!!

ELVIS A. OF BEAVER, OK ASKS:

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE A PACIFIST?

ANSWER:

YES!! SINCE I CONQUERED ASIA SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND BROKE THE SPINE OF THE SUN, THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT TO FIGHT!! NOW I JUST STRIDE THE WORLD LIKE SOME KIND OF MAN-GOD!! IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY BEING A TOWERING COLOSSUS OF MASCULNITY, BUT IT NEEDS DOING!!

FIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE THE OLYMPICS!!

THE OLYMPIC GAMES ARE BEING HELD THIS SUMMER IN RIO DE JANEIRO, A CITY BUILT ENTIRELY OF FEATHERS AND POOR PEOPLE!! UNFORTUNATELY, THE OLYMPICS ARE ALSO VERY BORING!! HERE ARE FIVE WAYS TO LIVEN THEM UP!!

SWITCH THE SUMMER AND WINTER GAMES!! THE ONLY THING HARDER THAN RUNNING A MARATHON IN SIX FEET OF FRESH SNOW IS FIGURE-SKATING IN THE JUNGLE,, BETTER YET, HOLD THE SUMMER OLYMPICS IN THE HIGH ARCTIC EVERY TIME!! THIS WOULD NOT ONLY ALLOW GREENLAND TO HOST THE GAMES, IT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER TO IMPLEMENT ONE OF MY OTHER IDEAS, THE INTRODUCTION OF POLAR BEARS TO EVERY EVENT!!

STOP USING ATHLETES!! THAT WOULD ELIMINATE THE RICH COUNTRIES' ADVANTAGE!! JUST PICK PEOPLE AT RANDOM TO COMPETE!! WANT TO KNOW WHETHER THE AVERAGE UGANDAN CAN OUTSWIM THE AVERAGE LAOTIAN?!! ONLY THE POLAR BEAR KNOWS FOR SURE 

GET RID OF SOME EVENTS!! BALLROOM DANCING IS SOMETHING YOUR WIFE DRAGS YOU TO, NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT!! THIN THE HERD A LITTLE!! IF YOU MUST KEEP THE SAME NUMBER OF EVENTS, CHANGE THE ONES NOBODY CARES ABOUT TO SOMETHING MORE MASCULINE!! FOR EXAMPLE, BALLROOM DANCING SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH ALLIGATOR RASSLIN'!! AT THE LAST MINUTE!!

HAMMER CATCHING!! IT APPARENTLY TAKES A MUSCLEBOUND TROGLODYTE TO THROW A HAMMER. SO LET'S SEE WHAT IT TAKES TO CATCH ONE!! (BONUS POINTS FOR USING MC HAMMER!!!) IN FACT, THERE SHOULD BE A RULE THAT ANYTHING THROWN AT THE OLYMPICS HAS TO BE CAUGHT, INCLUDING PENALTY FLAGS, TRASH, AND JAVELINS!!

JUST GIVE ALL THE GOLD MEDALS TO THAT GUY FROM OMC!! THAT'D SURPRISE THE HECK OUT OF HIM, AND THE PEOPLE WHO WON THEM!! HOW BIZARRE!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL!!

WELL OVER NO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME OVER THE YEARS WHAT THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!!! NATION ON EARTH IS!! AFTER ALL, THE MONGOLS WERE ONLY #2, AND WHO COULD BE TOUGHER THAN THE MONGOLS??

That question is not as good as you might think.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE COUNTRY THAT COULD COMPARE UNTIL I SAW THAT PICTURE!! NOW THERE ARE ABOUT 40!! BUT THE ONE AT #1 IS PROBABLY NOT ONE YOU WOULD GUESS!!

 

Probably not, but as long as it doesn't involve Mongols in Speedos I'm okay.

AND IT'S NONE OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS EITHER!! IT'S NOT AMERICA OR RUSSIA!! IT'S NOT CHINA OR AUSTRALIA!! IT'S NOT BLAUSTRALIA, WHICH I JUST MADE UP!! AND IT'S NOT GERMANY!! AS NEAR AS I CAN TELL, THOSE PEOPLE JUST SPEND THEIR TIME COMING UP WITH WEIRD EXPERIMENTS INVOLVING CATS!!

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: I don't need no lip from no cat in a box.

NO, THE MQST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION THAT'S EVER EXISTED WAS A FEW TEA-SIPPERS ON A SMALL ISLAND WHO NEARLY RULED THE WORLD!! AND THEY DID IT LOOKING LIKE THIS:

To be fair, only the popular kids got to dress this way.

THAT'S RIGHT!!  EVEN THOUGH ITS CITIZENS ARE UPTIGHT, INVENTED CRICKET, AND OFTEN SOUND HOMOSEXUAL, THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL TIME IS THE UK!!

I was going to show a map of the British Empire, but this lion ate it. Just assume they were your overlords at some point.

BUT, YOU MIGHT ASK, WHAT MAKES THEM SO VERY MASCULINE THAT THEY HAVE THE TOP SPOT?!! WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY CAN ALL BREATHE FIRE (THAT'S ACTUALLY DRAGONS) AND CLOSE THE PROTECTIVE SHELLS OVER THEIR EYES (THAT'S ACTUALLY NOTHING), THE BRITISH HAVE BEEN AT WAR WITH ALMOST EVERYBODY!!

P

The countries in white haven't been invaded by the British yet, but Chad's been asking for it.

AND THEY WIN A LOT MORE THAN THEY LOSE!! THEY EVEN CONQUERED THE SCOTS, AND THOSE PEOPLE GOT NAKED AND PAINTED THEMSELVES BLUE JUST TO HANDICAP THEMSELVES!!

"Uhh ... och aye, that's why we did it. Hoot mon." (Note: this man is not Scottish.)

AND THEY RULED IRELAND, WHICH HAS OTHERWISE ONLY BEEN DONE BY ALCOHOL!!

There are 29 drunks in this picture. I only found 14. How many can you find?

AND If THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH, IT WAS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN EUROPE TO STARE DOWN HITLER!! AND THEY DID IT WITH A GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE HE WORKED AT A WAL-MART IN TULSA!!

He actually worked at a Tesco's in Sudbury.

AND LEST WE FORGET:

You're welcome, weirdos.

WHO KNEW YOU COULD EVEN GET SPEEDOS WITH LONG SLEEVES?!!

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And that's how my last post on CS!!!!! ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a couple of mostly-naked Mongolian wrestlers. I know you'd expect no less from COBRASAURUS!!!!!!, and no less from me.

This all has been a parody of hypermasculinity, ūbermanliness taken to a ridiculous extreme and then some. But what is real masculinity? (I know nobody asked, but this is the serious part.) I've thought about it, and I think there are three things a real man does:

1. Keeps his word 

2. Takes responsibility 

3. Does what needs doing 

It doesn't matter what you look like, what you drive, or what you do for a living. All those things can be taken from you in a second. Character can't.

And that's all I've got. Just remember:

IF LIFE HAD A FACE, COBRASAURUS!!!!! WOULD PUNCH IT IN THE NECK!!

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! READER'S SUGGESTION!!

The answer to Beavis' question is no.

DALE G. OF HARPER'S FERRY, WV THOUGHT THE HOOVER DAM WAS A GOOD PLACE FOR A CS!!!!! LOGO, ESPECIALLY SINCE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED!! IT OVERLOOKS ONE KEY THING, THOUGH:

RIVERS DON'T STOP BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN BUILD DAMS!! THEY STOP BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN SAY SO!!

SCIENCE DISCOVERS COBRASAURUS!!!!! BUTTER!!

RECENTLY A HUNK OF BUTTER WAS FOUND IN A PEAT BOG IN IRELAND!! IT WAS OVER 2000 YEARS OLD AND STILL EDIBLE, WHICH TELLS ME TWO THINGS:

FIRST, THAT IT WAS MADE BY A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, BECAUSE WE BUILD THINGS TO LAST, AND 

SECOND, THAT IRISH PEOPLE WILL EAT ANYTHING!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! BAND IN THE WORLD!!

IT'S MASSIVE ATTACK!!

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM OR EVEN WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE!! I JUST KNOW THEY HAVE THE BEST NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!

WHAT THE UN NEEDS!!

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'VE WONDERED HOW TO FIX THE UNITED NATIONS!! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US, OTHER THAN THE GLORIOUS PELT ON MY CHEST, IS THAT I KNOW WHAT THE UN NEEDS!! IT NEEDS A DOUBLE-BARRELED NINJECTION OF PURE MASCULNITY RIGHT IN ITS BLEEDING HEART!! IF IT'S GOING TO RUN THE WORLD, IT SHOULD DO IT WITH AN IRON FIST!! AND AN IRON FISH!! I KNOW THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHEN YOU RULE THE WORLD!!

FIRST THEY SHOULD FIND ALL THE COUNTRIES THAT OWE THEM MONEY AND BEAT IT OUT OF 'EM!! THEN THEY SHOULD JUST PICK A BUNCH OF RANDOM COUNTRIES AND BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THEM TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES!! FINALLY, THEY SHOULD SMACK THE GAMBIA AROUND A LITTLE JUST FOR BEING CALLED "THE GAMBIA"!!

I'M NO FAN OF THE UN, BUT I MIGHT BE IT ACTED LIKE THIS!! BESIDES, THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO Happen ANYWAY!! DON''T THINK A MAN WHO ONCE GAVE A PURPLE NURPLE TO THE EARTH'S MAGNETIC FIELD WOULDN'T STOOP TO KICKING THE GAMBIA WHEN IT'S THE GAMBIA!!

HOW WE KILL MOSQUITOES!!

Our resident team of Turkish engineers 

prepares the Fly-Mangler 6000

.

IT'S SUMMER, AND HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!! THAT MEANS ONE THING: BUGS!! ACTUALLY, IT MEANS HEAT AND BUGS, BUT THE HEAT JUST BETTER DO WHAT IT'S DANG WELL TOLD!! AND WE REALLY DON'T LIKE BUGS!! IN FACT, WE HATE THEM!! AND WE KILL THEM JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, ONLY HARDER!! FOR EXAMPLE, OUR FLYSWATTERS WOULD BE CALLED HOWITZERS BY MOST INTERNATIONAL BODIES!! SOME PEOPLE JUST REPEL INSECTS; WE PREFER TO TERRIFY THEM!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #8988!!

"YOU'RE ON PAIN STANDARD TIME, AND IT'S DAN O'CLOCK!" -- THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA

THIS WAS SAID BY A NINJA WITH A MASK CUTOUT FOR HIS MUSTACHE JUST BEFORE HE GAVE A BEATDOWN TO A BUNCH OF PIRATES!! I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE

 

THERE ARE ONLY A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR WRITING THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WAY!!:

 

1.  ALL-CAPS, ALL THE TIME!!  LOWER-CASE LETTERS CANNOT CONTAIN THE POWER OF A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN’S THOUGHTS, WHICH ARE LIKE A THERMONUCLEAR GUTSLAM IN THE BRAIN!!

 

2.  EVERY SENTENCE ENDS WITH AT LEAST TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!  THIS IS SELF-EXPLANATORY, UNLESS YOU ARE A SKIRT-WEARIN’ FAIRY-MARY!!

 

3.  “COBRASAURUS!!!!!” ALWAYS HAS FIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS, BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW THE RULES OF SPELLING WORK!!

 

4.  LIBERAL USE OF BOLD LETTERS IS ENCOURAGED!!  A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN MUST BE BOLD, LIKE A FORTY-FOOT PORCU-SHARK WITH MACHINE-GUN EYES!!  ALSO, I COLOR THE BOLD LETTERS RED, TO MAKE THEM STAND OUT AGAINST THE BACKGROUND!!

 

5.  I LABEL EVERY POST WITH “ILLEGAL SIBERIAN BEAR-WRESTLING”.  YOU CAN TRY TO BE AS AWESOME AS ME, OR CREATE YOUR OWN SIGNATURE LABEL, OR JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!!

 

6.  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING TOO RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE, YOU’RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE ENOUGH!!  YOU CAN ALWAYS GET MORE STOOPID-AWESOME!!  THE MODEL FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! WRITING IS -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT!! -- IS AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON MULBERRY STREET, BY DR. SUESS!!  GOING TOO FAR IS NEVER FAR ENOUGH!!

 

 

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!! MAN #62

James W. OF WOONSOCKET, RI ASKS: 

WHAT EXACTLY IS A LASER MULE, ANYWAY?

ANSWER!!: 

THATS A QUESTION THAT GOES RIGHT TO THE HEART OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A COBRASAURUS!!!!!!! MAN!! HOWEVER, SINCE YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU MUST BE A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY, AND I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN #8!!

SOME SCIENTISTS THINK THAT SUGAR MAY BE LINKED TO HEART DISEASE!!  BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEVER BEEN LINKED TO HEART DISEASE?!!

SPRINKLING LIVE WATER MOCCASINS ON YOUR CEREAL!!

IT AIN'T EASY BEING A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!!

Having forgotten to ask permission first,

the sun just rose on a world of hurt.

BEING A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN'S NOT AN EASY JOB, BUT IT NEEDS DOING!! BESIDES, THE OCEAN'S NOT GOING TO PUNCH ITSELF IN THE STOMACH!! NOT EVEN BILLY OCEAN WILL DO THAT!! DO YOU THINK I LIKE WAKING UP THE FAMILY WOLERINE EVERY MORNING BY ATTACKING ITS FACE?!! ACTUALLY, I DO!! DO YOU THINK I GET SOME KIND OF PLEASURE FROM PUTTING A FULL NELSON ON THE SUN FOR A LITTLE TOO LIPPY?!! AGAIN, OF COURSE I DO!! DO I SOMEHOW ENJOY PUNCHING LEOPARDS IN THEIR IGNORANT LEOPARD THROATS?!! BOY HOWDY I DO!! BUT IT'S STILL A JOB!! AND IT'S NOT A MATTER OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL DO IT, BUT OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN!!

SCIENCE DISCOVERS A NEW KIND OF WOLVERINE!!

Looks like every other wolverine 'round here.

WHAT SETS THIS SUBSPECIES APART IS ITS DIET: IT ONLY EATS OTHER WOLVERINES!! THAT SAID, THERE WAS ONLY ONE NAME FOR IT!!

BEHOLD!! THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WOLERINE!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN #413!!

DAVID G. OF WIDDLESBY-ON-THE-MARSH, ENGLAND ASKS:

I LOVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF I'M MASCULINE ENOUGH FOR BLOWOUT. IS THERE A BLOWOUT LITE I COULD TRY?

ANSWER!!:

NO THERE'S NOT A BLOWOUT LITE YOU COULD TRY!! THE WAY TO TELL IF YOU'RE MASCULINE ENOUGH TO TAKE BLOWOUT IS TO TAKE IT!! IF YOU SURVIVE THE EXPERIENCE, YOU'RE MASCULINE ENOUGH!!

IF YOU HAVE TO WORK YOUR WAY UP TO THE REAL STUFF, THERE ARE DOUBTLESS MANY PRODUCTS MARKETED TO WOMEN IN TASTEFUL PINK BOXES THAT WILL MATCH YOUR FRILLY LACEY DRESS PERFECTLY!!!

AND I CHECKED, DAVID: YOU MAY LOVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, BUT THEY DON'T LIKE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!

DAVID EVEN SENT A PICTURE, PRESUMABLY OF HIMSELF, THOUGH IT COULD BE PRINCESS DI FOR ALL I KNOW!!:

This is how it feels to stare 

Into the cold, dead eyes 

of a skirt-wearin' fairy-mary.

COBRASAURUS!!!!! WHAT IF #99!!

WHAT IF AMERICA HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BY A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!!?

IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED A LOT SOONER AND A LOT FASTER, AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN NAMED AFTER SOME ITALIAN MAPMAKER, EITHER!! IT WOULD HAVE A MASCULINE NAME, LIKE RAY OR ED!! ALSO, OUR NATIONAL BIRD WOULD BE A FIRE-BREATHING LASER MULE WITH AXE FEET!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #172C!!

"I DREAM OF A WORLD WHERE WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING MEN CAN DO. THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO." -- TIM ALLEN

I'M NOT A FAN OF TIMOTHY ALLEN DICK, BUT AS THE FATHER OF DAUGHTERS I REALLY LIKE THIS!!

10 FACTS YOU WON'T LEARN ANYWHERE ELSE!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF NEWS, BECAUSE ONLY COBRASAURUS!!!!! ISN'T AFRAID TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE THINGS WE JUST MADE UP!! IN FACT, IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF INFORMATION!!

1!!. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ELKVILLE, MANITOBA MIGHT BE MADE OF CILANTRO!! OR IT MIGHT NOT!! WE JUST DON'T KNOW!!

B!!.. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE, INCLUDING BASQUE, URDU, AND THE LANGUAGES OF ALL NEW GUINEAN TRIBES!! IT EVEN SOUNDS THE SAME IN SIGN LANGUAGE AND THE FUTURE!!

MCMIX!!. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DINOSAURS!!? NOTHING!! YOU'RE JUST IN DENIAL!!

SIX!!. IF YOU GO TO A REMOTE VILLAGE IN BOTSWANA AND TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, YOU CAN STILL EXPECT TWO THINGS: RESPECT AND TESTING!! YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU'RE WORTHY OF CALLING YOURSELF THAT!! ACCEPTABLE PROOFS INCLUDE STARING DOWN AN ELEPHANT, PULLING THE HEART FROM AN ATTACKING LION, FORCING A GABOON VIPER TO PUNCH A BUFFALO IN THE EYE WITH JUST YOUR WILL, AND THROWING A RHINOCEROS!! 

11!!. DON'T TEACH YOUR KIDS THOSE THINGS ON THEIR FACES ARE CALLED NOSES!! TELL THEM THEY'RE SNOUTS INSTEAD!!

C!!. COBRASAURUS!!!!! HAS HAD A WEBSITE SINCE 1691, BUT DIDN'T FIND ANYONE MASCULINE ENOUGH TO TALK TO UNTIL A FEW YEARS AGO!!

OCHO!!. CHUCK NORRIS WAS EATEN BY BRIAN BLESSED!! TWICE!!

It's bad enough to face this once.

VII. THERE IS A FEMALE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! THAT WOMAN WHO USED TO SING FOR ARCH ENEMY LOOKED LIKE SHE COULD EAT A LIVE WOLVERINE AND SOUNDED LIKE SHE HAD!!

SYV!!.  THE BEST NINJAS AREN'T JAPANESE, BUT BULGARIAN!! YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BULGARIAN NINJAS!!? THAT'S RIGHT!!

7. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!! IT DOESN'T WANT TO MEET YOUR WIFE OR DATE YOUR DAUGHTER!! COBRASAURUS!!!!! WILL KILL YOU WITH THERMONUCLEAR DINOSAUR FIRE!! MADE OF WEREWOLVES!!

REMEMBER, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN ARE LIKE ICE CREAM CONES!! WOMEN WANT THEM, AND MEN WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE GRAND CANYON BY THEM!! 

THE GREATEST WORK OF ART EVER PRODUCED!!!

BEHOLD!!

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS. I'M ONE OF THE MOST MASCULINE MEN WHO HAS EVER EXISTED, AND MY EYES ARE NEARLY BLEEDING FROM THE SHEER COBRASAURUS!!!!!NESS OF THIS IMAGE!! THE FACT THAT THE CANVAS WAS THE SIDE OF A VAN MAKES IT EVEN BETTER!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN 2002!!

THE 141ST MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION ON EARTH!!

Nothing to see here, folks. It's just a map.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT EQUATORIAL GUINEA!!

CHUCK NORRIS LOOKS BACK ON 50 YEARS OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! ENVY!!

"MR NORRIS SAID HE'S WASTED HIS ENTIRE LIFE," HIS PUBLICIST TOLD US AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!  LIKE WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW!! "HIS CAREER AS AN ACTION HERO WAS MEANT TO IMPRESS COBRASAURUS!!!!!, AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, HE GAINED A REPUTATION AS AN ULTRA-HUMANOID!! FINALLY. HE JUST GAVE UP!!

"HE SAYS HE IS MUCH HAPPIER NOW, WEARING PRETTY YELLOW SUNDRESSES, GOING BY HIS MIDDLE NAME, LACEY, AND FOLLOWING HIS TRUE DREAM OF PLAYING FURNITURE OFF-BROADWAY!! HE CAN CURRENTLY BE SEEN IN A MODERNIZATION OF THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, AS A TASTEFUL OTTOMAN!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #888.2!!

MELVIN F. OF MARS STUMP, MD ASKS:

"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A GOOD PLACE TO GET A MANICURE?"

ANSWER!!:

FIRST, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?!! OUR SECURITY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY LIKE YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED!! SECOND, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN DON'T GET MANICURES!! WE GET MANIDISEASES!! RIGHT NOW, I HAVE DENGUE FEVER IN MY LEFT HAND, AND TRENCH MOUTH IN THE RIGHT!!