COBRASAURUS!!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN!! #223-B!!

SOME RIDE TO LIVE!!  SOME LIVE TO RIDE!!

WHO YOU CALLIN’ VIOLENT?!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS TAKING THIS SISSY PLANET BY STORM, AND THE SISSIES ARE HAVING FEMI-MAXIMUM SISSYFITS ABOUT IT!! THEY SAY, “IT’S TOO BRUTISH… IT’S TOO INSENSITIVE… IT’S TOO VIRILE…!!” JUST BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN HAVE A WHEELBARROW OF STEAMING HOT ASPHALT WHERE THE SISSY TYPE’S FEMINE SIDE RESIDES DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE ARE PRONE TO VIOLENCE!! AS A MATTER OF FACT, VIOLENCE IS ALWAYS A LAST RESORT, AFTER EXPLOSIONS, AXES, LASERS, HAMMERS, SHARKS IN NEED OF ANGER MANAGEMENT, NUCLEAR TIPPED FISTS, COBRA-TIPPED COBRAS, INDIAN BURNS, POTTED MEAT, AND GANDHI-ISM!!

OH YEAH, WE’RE ALL INTO SOME GANDHI!! OF COURSE, HE WASN’T A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN BY A LONGSHOT, BUT HE WAS A STANDUP DUDE SPORTING SOME LEAD FISTS WITH PIRANHA FANGS!! HE ONCE BEAT A PIRATE UNCONSCIOUS WITH HIS OWN TREASURE CHEST!! HE ONCE PUNCHED OSAMA BIN LADIN SO HARD IN THE ADAM'S APPLE THAT HE GREW A TAIL!! HE EVEN PUNCHED A SCUD MISSILE IN ITS SOVIET EXPORTED ROCKET FACE!! AND SOMEWHERE IN THE UNWRITTEN COBRASAURUS!!!!! CODE IT SAYS, “FIRST, BEAT ‘EM DOWN GANDHI-STYLE – THEN, VIOLENCE!!" THERE’S YOUR PROOF YOU SKIRT-WEARIN’ FARY MARYS… WE LOVE PEACE - BUT IF YOU QUOTE US ON THAT YOU WILL BE TORN INTO MINCED QUASI-MALE SHARK CHUM FOR DERANGED MINNOWS AND FED TO A METROSEXUAL'S PET SEA MOKEYS!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB!!: PUNISHMENT!!!!!

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF THE MOST SPLEEN-GRATINGLY INTELLECTUAL ROCKET SURGERY KNOWN TO MAN OR DEFORMED BEAST, THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB!!  GET READY TO LOSE YOUR HEARING BUT GAIN ULTRAMENTAL HYPERPOWERS!!

HISTORICAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN FROM HISTORY!! #1

FROM TIME TO TIME, WE HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! WANT TO SPOTLIGHT A FIGURE FROM HISTORY WHO EPITOMIZES ALL THAT IS COBRASAURUS!!!!! IN THE WORLD!!  THERE WAS ONLY ONE CHOICE FOR TODAY'S INSTALLMENT OF HISTORICAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN FROM HISTORY:

A LITTLE SOMETHIN' FOR YOUR STOCKIN'!!!

WHILE WE HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! STRIVE TO PROVIDE THE NECESSARY MATERIALS TO BUILD QUIVERING NANCY-BOYS INTO PLANET-STRADDLING COBRASAURUS!!!!! COLOSSI, WE DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOMETIMES A MAN'S MOST BASE DESIRES MUST NEEDS BE INDULGED!!

SO LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS, BLINDFOLD YOUR UBER-SONS, AND SEND YOUR WIVES TO THE MEAT HOWITZER TO TIG-WELD YOU A SAMMICH!!  IT'S ABOUT TO GET RAW UP IN HERE!!  AS IN NSFW!!!!!

A CALCULATED COBRASAURUS!!!!! RESPONSE; PART JM6!!

THE SCENARIO:!!

IN KEEPING WITH POPULAR QUASI-MALE TRADITION, A JOVIAL, BEARDED MAN SOMEHOW MANAGES TO ENTER YOUR THERMONUCLEAR COBRASAURUS!!!!! CAVE WITHOUT YOUR EXPRESSED WRITTEN CONSENT VIA THE COOLING TOWER!!

WHAT DO YOU DO?!!

ANSWER #1:!!   A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN’S TYPICAL, CALCULATED RESPONSE WOULD BE TO SUMMON ALL THE SPIKEY LITTLE WARHAMMERS FLOWING IN HIS RADIOACTIVE, PHOSPHORESCENT BLOOD, DISPATCH THEM TO HIS PREFERRED SCAB-AND-CALLOUS ENCRUSTED SLEDGE-FIST ALREADY BEGINNING ITS FACE-MASSACRE SORTIE, AND HYPERDRIVE SAID SLEDGE-FIST INTO OLD ST. NAUGHTY LIST’S HAIRY MUSH WITH ULTRA-EXTREME PREJUDICE UNTIL THE SOOTHING SOUNDS OF INTRUDER CRACKLING CUSPIDS FILL THE COMPOUND!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BRAND!!

YOU’VE SEEN AROUND: ON WANTED POSTERS, ON THE BACKS OF THE BADDEST BIKER JACKETS, ETCHED INTO THE SURFACE OF THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON – IT’S THE OFFICIAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! BRAND!!

IT IS A THING OF BEAUTY, A SIGHT TO BEHOLD… A MASTERPIECE INDEED!! WE MAY BE ROUGH AND DIRTY SPACE-WOODSMAN-JACKANAUTS THAT DON’T WEAR UNDERWEAR, BUT WE’RE ARTISITIC!! PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW, WHAT DO THE ELEMENTS SYMBOLIZE?!!

HERE’S THE ANSWER: THEY DON’T MEAN NOTHING, JACK!! C’MON, ANY REAL MAN WITH THE HALF THE TESTOSTERBONES OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN COULD FIGURE OUT THE FORMULA:

EXPLOSION + FIST HAMMER + RAILROAD SPIKES = ULTRAMANTOPIA!!

BUT IF YOU NEED IT TO ‘SYMBOLIZE’ SOMETHING, LET’S JUST SAY IT SYMBOLIZES THE IMMINENT AND VIOLENT EXTERMINATION OF WORLD SISSYNESS, METROSEXUALNESS, AND FEMININE QUASI-MALENESS!!

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!!

THEY SAY YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, SO COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN EAT THINGS THAT EAT MANLY MEN, LIKE SHARKS WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES, SATANIC CARNIVOROUS GOATS, THE GARDEN GNOMES THAT WEAR GREEN SHIRTS, AND A PARTICULAR DELICACY – GRIZZLY BEARS!! WE KNOW THAT THE FLACCID QUASI-MALE METROSEXUAL MICROSOFT TYPES PREFER TO OBTAIN THEIR SO-CALLED “MANLY” QUARTER-POUNDER LLAMAROO BURGERS FROM A TEENAGER HANGING OUT OF A WINDOW WHILE ENJOYING THE COMFORTS OF THEIR FRONT-WHEEL DRIVE JAPANESE CAR AND LISTENING TO JAMES TAYLOR, BUT THAT JUST MAKES THEM A SMALL SERVING OF WARMED OVER PSUEDO-MEAT SWEATING LARD!!

NOT SO HERE - THIS COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN WILL LIKELY EAT THIS ENTIRE BEAR IN ONE SITTING SO THAT HE CAN MAKE ITS HEAD INTO A WARM MEAT HELMET!!

NOTICE THREE THINGS: (1) THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! TATTOO ON HIS FOREARM MEANS THAT (2) HE DOES NOT USE A GUN, BUT OPTS FOR LIVE BUTCHERY OF THE BEAST WHILE ON THE RUN!! WHAT A SPORT!! AND (3) HE’S CHASING A HEADLESS BEAR, WHICH IS ONLY HEADLESS BECAUSE IT WANTED TO EAT A FLACCID METROSEXUAL MICROSOFT QUASI-MALE, BUT MET A HUNGRY COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN WITH AN AXE INSTEAD!! DUMB LUCK THAT!!

HISTORICAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN FROM HISTORY #16!!

A QUESTION THAT MUST HAVE OCCURRED TO EVERYONE AT SOME POINT -- UNLESS YOU'RE SOME KIND OF DROOLING MONGOLOID SISSY-FACE -- IS "WHO WAS AMERICA'S MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! PRESIDENT?!!"

CHUCK NORRIS RESPONDS TO SHOCKING PHOTO AND LESS-SHOCKING REJECTION!!!

A SPOKESPERSON FOR FORMER ULTRAHUMANOID CHUCK NORRIS RESPONDED TODAY TO A PHOTOGRAPH RELEASED BY NOTED SOURCE OF ALL MASCULINITY, COBRASAURUS!!!!!

THE STATEMENT READS:

"MR. NORRIS REGRETS THE DECISION OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! TO RELEASE THIS PHOTOGRAPH, AND TO DENY HIS APPLICATION TO JOIN THIS AUGUST BODY.  HE APOLOGIZES FOR THE PAIN AND SUFFERING THIS WILL CAUSE BOTH OF HIS FANS, BUT EXPRESSES RELIEF THAT HE WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO LIVE A LIE.

"MR. NORRIS' ENTIRE CAREER AS A HOLLYWOOD TOUGH-GUY AND MASTER OF MYSTICAL SPACE-KARATE WAS INTENDED TO PROVE HIS WORTHINESS TO SERVE AS A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN.  SINCE THIS IS NO LONGER AN OPTION, HE FEELS FREE TO PURSUE HIS TRUE DREAM OF BEING A PIECE OF FURNITURE.

"HE WOULD LIKE TO ANNNOUCE THAT HE WILL BE STARRING NEXT YEAR IN A NEW BROADWAY PRODUCTION OF BRIDGET JONES' DIARY, AS A RATHER OSTENTATIOUS REGENCY DAYBED."

COBRASAURUS!!!!! TRIED TO REACH THE NEWLY-MINTED QUASI-MAN FOR A DIRECT QUOTE, BUT WAS TOLD THAT HE WAS SUFFERING FROM SEVERE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION, LIKELY DUE TO AN ILL-FITTING BRASSIERE!!

CAREER OPS AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!

BEING A CAREER COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS BOTH TAXING ON THE BODY AND MENTALLY CHALLENGING, SO WE INTRODUCE RECRUITS RATHER GENTLY, BUILDING THEM INTO INDESTRUCTIBLE KAMIKAZE WEREWOLVERINE WARRIORS WITH BILLIONS OF LITTLE SONNY CHIBAS WHERE A NORMAL MAN’S ELECTRICAL IMPULSES WOULD BE!! BELOW IS AN EXAMPLE OF A PRELIMINARY COUNSELING SESSION PRIOR TO THE INITIAL INTERIEW FOR THE FIRST APPLICATION TO COBRASAURUS!!!!!

NEWS FLASH!!!!!  THIS PHOTO WAS LEAKED TO US HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!  ACCORDING TO SOURCES CHUCK NORRIS WAS JUST REJECTED BY COBRASAURUS!!!!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN #991027463

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS KIND TO THOSE WEAKER THAN HIMSELF!!

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS KIND TO EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE!!

10 COBRASAURUS!!!!! FACTS!!!!!

1.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! HAS BEEN HOLDING CHUCK NORRIS' APPLICATION FOR OVER SEVEN YEARS!!  HE CALLS EVERY DAY TO ASK ABOUT IT!!

ZWEI.  A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN ONCE APPEARED ON IRON CHEF!!  THE SECRET INGREDIENT WAS OTHER IRON CHEFS!!

XVI.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! SHOT FIRST!! AND LAST!! AND ONLY!!

B-52.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! WILL GROW CHEST HAIR ON YOUR SOUL!!

SEVEN.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DINOSAURS!!

SEVEN.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! FOUND THE HIGGS BOSON ON THE FIRST TRY, AND KEEPS IT IN A DRAWER IN THE KITCHEN WITH ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT NORMAL MEN ARE NOT MEANT TO KNOW!!

SEVEN.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! STEPPED ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE!!  COBRASAURUS!!!!! SPITS INTO THE WIND!!  COBRASAURUS!!!!! PULLED THE MASK OFF THE OL' LONE RANGER, AND COBRASAURUS!!!!! FREAKIN' ENDED JIM!!

8C).  COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAKES THIS:


LOOK LIKE THIS:

!!!!!

SEVEN.  COBRASAURUS!!!!! WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU IF YOU WATCHED THE SECOND VIDEO, OR IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE FIRST!!

[THIS PLUTONIUM-POWERED POST WAS WRITTEN IN STEAMING HOT TRACTOR OIL ON THE HIDES OF NINE VANQUISHED HELLHOUNDS , WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF CHARLES "COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY" HAYNIE!!]

THE ASPIRING COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! EPISODE IVXCIIM

THE ASPIRING COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN MUST CULTIVATE HIS TESTOSTERONIOUSNESS BY THE UNBRIDLED GROWTH OF HIS MAMMOTH-DREADFUL THUNDER-BEARD IN THE EVENT THAT HE MAY FIND IT NECESSARY TO EXPLODE A MONSTER GORILLA’S EYEBALL OUT OF HIS PRIMATE FACE WITH A SINGLE OFF-HAND PUNCH, THEREBY PROVING ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MATHEMATICAL FORMULA:

MANLY!! < COBRASAURUS!!!!!