SCIENCE DISCOVERS A NEW KIND OF WOLVERINE!!

Looks like every other wolverine 'round here.

WHAT SETS THIS SUBSPECIES APART IS ITS DIET: IT ONLY EATS OTHER WOLVERINES!! THAT SAID, THERE WAS ONLY ONE NAME FOR IT!!

BEHOLD!! THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WOLERINE!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN #413!!

DAVID G. OF WIDDLESBY-ON-THE-MARSH, ENGLAND ASKS:

I LOVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF I'M MASCULINE ENOUGH FOR BLOWOUT. IS THERE A BLOWOUT LITE I COULD TRY?

ANSWER!!:

NO THERE'S NOT A BLOWOUT LITE YOU COULD TRY!! THE WAY TO TELL IF YOU'RE MASCULINE ENOUGH TO TAKE BLOWOUT IS TO TAKE IT!! IF YOU SURVIVE THE EXPERIENCE, YOU'RE MASCULINE ENOUGH!!

IF YOU HAVE TO WORK YOUR WAY UP TO THE REAL STUFF, THERE ARE DOUBTLESS MANY PRODUCTS MARKETED TO WOMEN IN TASTEFUL PINK BOXES THAT WILL MATCH YOUR FRILLY LACEY DRESS PERFECTLY!!!

AND I CHECKED, DAVID: YOU MAY LOVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, BUT THEY DON'T LIKE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!

DAVID EVEN SENT A PICTURE, PRESUMABLY OF HIMSELF, THOUGH IT COULD BE PRINCESS DI FOR ALL I KNOW!!:

This is how it feels to stare 

Into the cold, dead eyes 

of a skirt-wearin' fairy-mary.

COBRASAURUS!!!!! WHAT IF #99!!

WHAT IF AMERICA HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BY A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!!?

IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED A LOT SOONER AND A LOT FASTER, AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN NAMED AFTER SOME ITALIAN MAPMAKER, EITHER!! IT WOULD HAVE A MASCULINE NAME, LIKE RAY OR ED!! ALSO, OUR NATIONAL BIRD WOULD BE A FIRE-BREATHING LASER MULE WITH AXE FEET!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #172C!!

"I DREAM OF A WORLD WHERE WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING MEN CAN DO. THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO." -- TIM ALLEN

I'M NOT A FAN OF TIMOTHY ALLEN DICK, BUT AS THE FATHER OF DAUGHTERS I REALLY LIKE THIS!!

10 FACTS YOU WON'T LEARN ANYWHERE ELSE!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF NEWS, BECAUSE ONLY COBRASAURUS!!!!! ISN'T AFRAID TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE THINGS WE JUST MADE UP!! IN FACT, IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF INFORMATION!!

1!!. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ELKVILLE, MANITOBA MIGHT BE MADE OF CILANTRO!! OR IT MIGHT NOT!! WE JUST DON'T KNOW!!

B!!.. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE, INCLUDING BASQUE, URDU, AND THE LANGUAGES OF ALL NEW GUINEAN TRIBES!! IT EVEN SOUNDS THE SAME IN SIGN LANGUAGE AND THE FUTURE!!

MCMIX!!. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DINOSAURS!!? NOTHING!! YOU'RE JUST IN DENIAL!!

SIX!!. IF YOU GO TO A REMOTE VILLAGE IN BOTSWANA AND TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, YOU CAN STILL EXPECT TWO THINGS: RESPECT AND TESTING!! YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU'RE WORTHY OF CALLING YOURSELF THAT!! ACCEPTABLE PROOFS INCLUDE STARING DOWN AN ELEPHANT, PULLING THE HEART FROM AN ATTACKING LION, FORCING A GABOON VIPER TO PUNCH A BUFFALO IN THE EYE WITH JUST YOUR WILL, AND THROWING A RHINOCEROS!! 

11!!. DON'T TEACH YOUR KIDS THOSE THINGS ON THEIR FACES ARE CALLED NOSES!! TELL THEM THEY'RE SNOUTS INSTEAD!!

C!!. COBRASAURUS!!!!! HAS HAD A WEBSITE SINCE 1691, BUT DIDN'T FIND ANYONE MASCULINE ENOUGH TO TALK TO UNTIL A FEW YEARS AGO!!

OCHO!!. CHUCK NORRIS WAS EATEN BY BRIAN BLESSED!! TWICE!!

It's bad enough to face this once.

VII. THERE IS A FEMALE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! THAT WOMAN WHO USED TO SING FOR ARCH ENEMY LOOKED LIKE SHE COULD EAT A LIVE WOLVERINE AND SOUNDED LIKE SHE HAD!!

SYV!!.  THE BEST NINJAS AREN'T JAPANESE, BUT BULGARIAN!! YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BULGARIAN NINJAS!!? THAT'S RIGHT!!

7. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!! IT DOESN'T WANT TO MEET YOUR WIFE OR DATE YOUR DAUGHTER!! COBRASAURUS!!!!! WILL KILL YOU WITH THERMONUCLEAR DINOSAUR FIRE!! MADE OF WEREWOLVES!!

REMEMBER, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN ARE LIKE ICE CREAM CONES!! WOMEN WANT THEM, AND MEN WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE GRAND CANYON BY THEM!! 

THE GREATEST WORK OF ART EVER PRODUCED!!!

BEHOLD!!

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS. I'M ONE OF THE MOST MASCULINE MEN WHO HAS EVER EXISTED, AND MY EYES ARE NEARLY BLEEDING FROM THE SHEER COBRASAURUS!!!!!NESS OF THIS IMAGE!! THE FACT THAT THE CANVAS WAS THE SIDE OF A VAN MAKES IT EVEN BETTER!!