THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL!!

WELL OVER NO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME OVER THE YEARS WHAT THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!!! NATION ON EARTH IS!! AFTER ALL, THE MONGOLS WERE ONLY #2, AND WHO COULD BE TOUGHER THAN THE MONGOLS??

That question is not as good as you might think.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE COUNTRY THAT COULD COMPARE UNTIL I SAW THAT PICTURE!! NOW THERE ARE ABOUT 40!! BUT THE ONE AT #1 IS PROBABLY NOT ONE YOU WOULD GUESS!!

 

Probably not, but as long as it doesn't involve Mongols in Speedos I'm okay.

AND IT'S NONE OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS EITHER!! IT'S NOT AMERICA OR RUSSIA!! IT'S NOT CHINA OR AUSTRALIA!! IT'S NOT BLAUSTRALIA, WHICH I JUST MADE UP!! AND IT'S NOT GERMANY!! AS NEAR AS I CAN TELL, THOSE PEOPLE JUST SPEND THEIR TIME COMING UP WITH WEIRD EXPERIMENTS INVOLVING CATS!!

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: I don't need no lip from no cat in a box.

NO, THE MQST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION THAT'S EVER EXISTED WAS A FEW TEA-SIPPERS ON A SMALL ISLAND WHO NEARLY RULED THE WORLD!! AND THEY DID IT LOOKING LIKE THIS:

To be fair, only the popular kids got to dress this way.

THAT'S RIGHT!!  EVEN THOUGH ITS CITIZENS ARE UPTIGHT, INVENTED CRICKET, AND OFTEN SOUND HOMOSEXUAL, THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION OF ALL TIME IS THE UK!!

I was going to show a map of the British Empire, but this lion ate it. Just assume they were your overlords at some point.

BUT, YOU MIGHT ASK, WHAT MAKES THEM SO VERY MASCULINE THAT THEY HAVE THE TOP SPOT?!! WELL, ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT THEY CAN ALL BREATHE FIRE (THAT'S ACTUALLY DRAGONS) AND CLOSE THE PROTECTIVE SHELLS OVER THEIR EYES (THAT'S ACTUALLY NOTHING), THE BRITISH HAVE BEEN AT WAR WITH ALMOST EVERYBODY!!

P

The countries in white haven't been invaded by the British yet, but Chad's been asking for it.

AND THEY WIN A LOT MORE THAN THEY LOSE!! THEY EVEN CONQUERED THE SCOTS, AND THOSE PEOPLE GOT NAKED AND PAINTED THEMSELVES BLUE JUST TO HANDICAP THEMSELVES!!

"Uhh ... och aye, that's why we did it. Hoot mon." (Note: this man is not Scottish.)

AND THEY RULED IRELAND, WHICH HAS OTHERWISE ONLY BEEN DONE BY ALCOHOL!!

There are 29 drunks in this picture. I only found 14. How many can you find?

AND If THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH, IT WAS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN EUROPE TO STARE DOWN HITLER!! AND THEY DID IT WITH A GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE HE WORKED AT A WAL-MART IN TULSA!!

He actually worked at a Tesco's in Sudbury.

AND LEST WE FORGET:

You're welcome, weirdos.

WHO KNEW YOU COULD EVEN GET SPEEDOS WITH LONG SLEEVES?!!

---

And that's how my last post on CS!!!!! ends. Not with a bang or a whimper, but with a couple of mostly-naked Mongolian wrestlers. I know you'd expect no less from COBRASAURUS!!!!!!, and no less from me.

This all has been a parody of hypermasculinity, ūbermanliness taken to a ridiculous extreme and then some. But what is real masculinity? (I know nobody asked, but this is the serious part.) I've thought about it, and I think there are three things a real man does:

1. Keeps his word 

2. Takes responsibility 

3. Does what needs doing 

It doesn't matter what you look like, what you drive, or what you do for a living. All those things can be taken from you in a second. Character can't.

And that's all I've got. Just remember:

IF LIFE HAD A FACE, COBRASAURUS!!!!! WOULD PUNCH IT IN THE NECK!!

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! READER'S SUGGESTION!!

The answer to Beavis' question is no.

DALE G. OF HARPER'S FERRY, WV THOUGHT THE HOOVER DAM WAS A GOOD PLACE FOR A CS!!!!! LOGO, ESPECIALLY SINCE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED!! IT OVERLOOKS ONE KEY THING, THOUGH:

RIVERS DON'T STOP BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN BUILD DAMS!! THEY STOP BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN SAY SO!!

SCIENCE DISCOVERS COBRASAURUS!!!!! BUTTER!!

RECENTLY A HUNK OF BUTTER WAS FOUND IN A PEAT BOG IN IRELAND!! IT WAS OVER 2000 YEARS OLD AND STILL EDIBLE, WHICH TELLS ME TWO THINGS:

FIRST, THAT IT WAS MADE BY A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, BECAUSE WE BUILD THINGS TO LAST, AND 

SECOND, THAT IRISH PEOPLE WILL EAT ANYTHING!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! BAND IN THE WORLD!!

IT'S MASSIVE ATTACK!!

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM OR EVEN WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE!! I JUST KNOW THEY HAVE THE BEST NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!

WHAT THE UN NEEDS!!

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'VE WONDERED HOW TO FIX THE UNITED NATIONS!! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US, OTHER THAN THE GLORIOUS PELT ON MY CHEST, IS THAT I KNOW WHAT THE UN NEEDS!! IT NEEDS A DOUBLE-BARRELED NINJECTION OF PURE MASCULNITY RIGHT IN ITS BLEEDING HEART!! IF IT'S GOING TO RUN THE WORLD, IT SHOULD DO IT WITH AN IRON FIST!! AND AN IRON FISH!! I KNOW THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHEN YOU RULE THE WORLD!!

FIRST THEY SHOULD FIND ALL THE COUNTRIES THAT OWE THEM MONEY AND BEAT IT OUT OF 'EM!! THEN THEY SHOULD JUST PICK A BUNCH OF RANDOM COUNTRIES AND BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THEM TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES!! FINALLY, THEY SHOULD SMACK THE GAMBIA AROUND A LITTLE JUST FOR BEING CALLED "THE GAMBIA"!!

I'M NO FAN OF THE UN, BUT I MIGHT BE IT ACTED LIKE THIS!! BESIDES, THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO Happen ANYWAY!! DON''T THINK A MAN WHO ONCE GAVE A PURPLE NURPLE TO THE EARTH'S MAGNETIC FIELD WOULDN'T STOOP TO KICKING THE GAMBIA WHEN IT'S THE GAMBIA!!

HOW WE KILL MOSQUITOES!!

Our resident team of Turkish engineers 

prepares the Fly-Mangler 6000

.

IT'S SUMMER, AND HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!! THAT MEANS ONE THING: BUGS!! ACTUALLY, IT MEANS HEAT AND BUGS, BUT THE HEAT JUST BETTER DO WHAT IT'S DANG WELL TOLD!! AND WE REALLY DON'T LIKE BUGS!! IN FACT, WE HATE THEM!! AND WE KILL THEM JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, ONLY HARDER!! FOR EXAMPLE, OUR FLYSWATTERS WOULD BE CALLED HOWITZERS BY MOST INTERNATIONAL BODIES!! SOME PEOPLE JUST REPEL INSECTS; WE PREFER TO TERRIFY THEM!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #8988!!

"YOU'RE ON PAIN STANDARD TIME, AND IT'S DAN O'CLOCK!" -- THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA

THIS WAS SAID BY A NINJA WITH A MASK CUTOUT FOR HIS MUSTACHE JUST BEFORE HE GAVE A BEATDOWN TO A BUNCH OF PIRATES!! I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE

 

THERE ARE ONLY A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR WRITING THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WAY!!:

 

1.  ALL-CAPS, ALL THE TIME!!  LOWER-CASE LETTERS CANNOT CONTAIN THE POWER OF A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN’S THOUGHTS, WHICH ARE LIKE A THERMONUCLEAR GUTSLAM IN THE BRAIN!!

 

2.  EVERY SENTENCE ENDS WITH AT LEAST TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!  THIS IS SELF-EXPLANATORY, UNLESS YOU ARE A SKIRT-WEARIN’ FAIRY-MARY!!

 

3.  “COBRASAURUS!!!!!” ALWAYS HAS FIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS, BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW THE RULES OF SPELLING WORK!!

 

4.  LIBERAL USE OF BOLD LETTERS IS ENCOURAGED!!  A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN MUST BE BOLD, LIKE A FORTY-FOOT PORCU-SHARK WITH MACHINE-GUN EYES!!  ALSO, I COLOR THE BOLD LETTERS RED, TO MAKE THEM STAND OUT AGAINST THE BACKGROUND!!

 

5.  I LABEL EVERY POST WITH “ILLEGAL SIBERIAN BEAR-WRESTLING”.  YOU CAN TRY TO BE AS AWESOME AS ME, OR CREATE YOUR OWN SIGNATURE LABEL, OR JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!!

 

6.  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING TOO RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE, YOU’RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE ENOUGH!!  YOU CAN ALWAYS GET MORE STOOPID-AWESOME!!  THE MODEL FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! WRITING IS -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT!! -- IS AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON MULBERRY STREET, BY DR. SUESS!!  GOING TOO FAR IS NEVER FAR ENOUGH!!