FIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE THE OLYMPICS!!

THE OLYMPIC GAMES ARE BEING HELD THIS SUMMER IN RIO DE JANEIRO, A CITY BUILT ENTIRELY OF FEATHERS AND POOR PEOPLE!! UNFORTUNATELY, THE OLYMPICS ARE ALSO VERY BORING!! HERE ARE FIVE WAYS TO LIVEN THEM UP!!

SWITCH THE SUMMER AND WINTER GAMES!! THE ONLY THING HARDER THAN RUNNING A MARATHON IN SIX FEET OF FRESH SNOW IS FIGURE-SKATING IN THE JUNGLE,, BETTER YET, HOLD THE SUMMER OLYMPICS IN THE HIGH ARCTIC EVERY TIME!! THIS WOULD NOT ONLY ALLOW GREENLAND TO HOST THE GAMES, IT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER TO IMPLEMENT ONE OF MY OTHER IDEAS, THE INTRODUCTION OF POLAR BEARS TO EVERY EVENT!!

STOP USING ATHLETES!! THAT WOULD ELIMINATE THE RICH COUNTRIES' ADVANTAGE!! JUST PICK PEOPLE AT RANDOM TO COMPETE!! WANT TO KNOW WHETHER THE AVERAGE UGANDAN CAN OUTSWIM THE AVERAGE LAOTIAN?!! ONLY THE POLAR BEAR KNOWS FOR SURE 

GET RID OF SOME EVENTS!! BALLROOM DANCING IS SOMETHING YOUR WIFE DRAGS YOU TO, NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT!! THIN THE HERD A LITTLE!! IF YOU MUST KEEP THE SAME NUMBER OF EVENTS, CHANGE THE ONES NOBODY CARES ABOUT TO SOMETHING MORE MASCULINE!! FOR EXAMPLE, BALLROOM DANCING SHOULD BE REPLACED WITH ALLIGATOR RASSLIN'!! AT THE LAST MINUTE!!

HAMMER CATCHING!! IT APPARENTLY TAKES A MUSCLEBOUND TROGLODYTE TO THROW A HAMMER. SO LET'S SEE WHAT IT TAKES TO CATCH ONE!! (BONUS POINTS FOR USING MC HAMMER!!!) IN FACT, THERE SHOULD BE A RULE THAT ANYTHING THROWN AT THE OLYMPICS HAS TO BE CAUGHT, INCLUDING PENALTY FLAGS, TRASH, AND JAVELINS!!

JUST GIVE ALL THE GOLD MEDALS TO THAT GUY FROM OMC!! THAT'D SURPRISE THE HECK OUT OF HIM, AND THE PEOPLE WHO WON THEM!! HOW BIZARRE!!