ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #888.2!!

MELVIN F. OF MARS STUMP, MD ASKS:

"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A GOOD PLACE TO GET A MANICURE?"

ANSWER!!:

FIRST, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?!! OUR SECURITY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY LIKE YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED!! SECOND, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN DON'T GET MANICURES!! WE GET MANIDISEASES!! RIGHT NOW, I HAVE DENGUE FEVER IN MY LEFT HAND, AND TRENCH MOUTH IN THE RIGHT!!

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR NINJECTIONS?!!

HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! WE DON'T LIKE SHOTS ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALL OURS FROM NINJAS!! NINJECTIONS COST MORE BUT THEY'RE COMPLETELY WORTH IT THOUGH!!! COMPLETELY!! THE BEST THING ABOUT GETTING A NINJECTION IS THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!! UNLESS YOU GET IT WITH A SWORD!! THEN YOU WILL DIE!!

                                       

                                  PREPARE TO BE INOCULATED AGAINST LIFE!!

SO GET YOUR NINJECTIONS TODAY!! AND REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!: YOU CAN TRY TO RUN FROM A NINJA RIDING A DINOSAUR, BUT YOU'LL ONLY DIE TIRED!!

(THANKS TO CHRISTOPHER HASTINGS, FROM WHOSE WEBCOMIC THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA THE PICTURE WAS BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF!! AND SPECIAL THANKS TO MY DAUGHTER EMILY BLOOM, WHO CAME UP WITH NINJECTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! HER MOTHER AND I THOUGHT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS GRACE, BUT SHE SAYS DANGER IS HER MIDDLE NAME!!)

BLOWOUT!!

YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT COBRASAURUS!!!!! DOESN'T ENDORSE PRODUCTS!! THIS ISN'T BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO, BUT BECAUSE NO PRODUCT IS MASCULINE ENOUGH!! WELL, WE FOUND ONE!!

OF COURSE, WE HAD TO INVENT IT!! IT'S A LAXATIVE, AND IT'S CALLED BLOWOUT!! (WHY DID WE INVENT A LAXATIVE?!! EAT AS MUCH WOLVERINE CHEESE AS WE DO AND SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH!!) WARNING: BLOWOUT IS NOT GENTLE!! BLOWOUT IS NOT PRETTY!! IT WILL MAKE YOU PRAY YOU DON'T NEED YOUR BONES AS BADLY AS YOU THOUGHT YOU DID!! BLOWOUT: DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!!

LET ME ME BE 100% CLEAR. IF YOU TAKE BLOWOUT AND YOU'RE NOT A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, YOU WILL DIE IN HORRIBLE PAIN!! IF YOU ARE, YOU WILL LIVE IN HORRIBLE PAIN!! THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, AND IT WAS FIRST USED AS A NATURAL WAY TO PUT GOPHERS INTO ORBIT!! BLOWOUT WILL CLEAR OUT YOUR BOWELS, BUT IT WON'T STOP UNTIL IT'S DONE THE SAME THING TO YOUR FACE!!! BLOWOUT: LEAVE NO TOOTH UNTURNED!!

SO GET SOME BLOWOUT, AND REMEMBER: THE WRITHING AGONY TELLS YOU IT'S WORKING!!

MAN UP, BABIES!!

THE FACT IS YOU'VE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG WITH YOUR BIG FAT BUDDHA BELLIES AND YOUR CHUBBY CHEEKS AND YOUR FAT ROLLS ON YOUR ARMS AND LEGS!! I'D SAY YOU'VE LET YOURSELVES GO, BUT YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY, WHICH MEANS THAT YOU LET YOURSELVES GO IN THE WOMB, AND THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!! SO QUIT YOUR WHINING AND CRYING, BABIES!! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR "I CAN'T WALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CANT TALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CAN'T READ THE POEMS OF GENGHIS KHAN IN THE ORIGINAL MONGOLIAN BECAUSE I'M A BABY!!" (IF YOU DON'T THINK POETRY IS VERY MASCULINE, YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T READ HIS!!) AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, CONTROL YOURSELVES!! I ONCE SAW A BABY EXPLODE FROM EVERY ORIFICE AT ONCE, AND WHILE THAT WAS INTERESTING FROM A HYDRODYNAMIC PERSPECTIVE, IT WAS DISGUSTING TO CLEAN UP!! AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION THE SPIT!! BABIES PUT EVERYTHING IN THEIR MOUTHS. INCLUDING NATO AND WARSAW PACT SMALL ARMS, AND THEY SLOBBER ON WHATEVER THEY CAN REACH!! THAT'S NOT "EXPLORING THE WORLD WITH YOUR MOUTH", THAT'S SPITTING ON THE UNIVERSE, AND IF I CAN'T DO IT, NEITHER CAN YOU!!

WHAT I'M SAYING, BABIES, IS STOP BEING SUCH BABIES!! MAN UP!! PUNCH A STEAM DRILL IN THE FACE!! PUNCH JOHN HENRY IN THE FACE!! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE!! NOW GROW FACIAL HAIR AND GET A CS!!!! TATTOO ACROSS YOUR CHEST!! BETTER YET, GET IT ON THE INSIDE, SO YOUR MOM DOESN'T FREAK OUT!! NOW PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE: YOUR FACIAL HAIR. YOUR TATTOO, AND YOUR MOM!! 

MAN UP, BABIES!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #915!!

"I'M A REAL MAN, AND I CAN'T HELP THAT." -- STEPHEN COLBERT 

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS QUOTE IS THAT IT SOUNDS APOLOGETIC, AND A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN APOLOGIZES WITH HIS FISTS, AND SOMETIMES WITH A WELL-PLACED KICK TO THE KNEE!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #1954

BILL O. OF BIRMINGHAM,AL ASKS:

"DO YOU HAVE TO BE BORN A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, OR CAN ANYBODY BECOME ONE?!!"

ANSWER!!:

ANYONE CAN BE ONE, PROVIDED HE HAS THREE THINGS!!:

1. A WILLINGNESS TO EAT AN ENTIRE WALRUS!! YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO, BUT YOU'D BETTER BE WILLING!! AND NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO KILL IT FOR YOU!!

2. THE ABILITY TO SMACK THUNDER UPSIDE THE HEAD!! AGAIN, YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO, BUT ISN'T IT NICE TO KNOW YOU CAN?!!

3. A 3148-LB. BENCH PRESS!! OBVIOUSLY!!

I'LL ALSO ACCEPT:

SWIMMING THE PACIFIC ... WITH SHARKS!!

FLYING AN A-10 LIKE A KITE!!

DISCOVERING A NEW MOON, AND THEN DESTROYING IT ... WITH SHARKS!!

THROWING BOTSWANA LIKE A FRISBEE!!

ATTACKING RUSSIA IN WINTER ... WITH SHARKS!!

SWALLOWING EIGHT DOZEN LARGE LIVE SHARKS (SHARKS OPTIONAL)!!

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB #4: BEOWOLVERINE!!

I WAS SITTING AROUND THE OTHER DAY, WHICH I ALWAYS DO IN THE MOST MASCULNE WAY IMAGINABLE, WHEN I FELT LIKE READING SOMETHING!! NOW, I LIKE NECK-PUNCHING DUMP TRUCKS AND GIVING WEDGIES TO MOUNTAIN RANGES MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE, BUT SOMETIMES I WANT TO KILL THINGS WITH MY BRAIN, AND THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO EXERCISE THAT PARTICULAR MUSCLE IS THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB!!

I'D ALREADY READ THE FIRST THREE BOOKS THAT CS!!!!! RECOMMENDED -- PUNISHMENT, WAR, AND ATLAS SHOT FIRST -- AND WAS EAGER TO SEE WHAT WAS NEXT!! WHAT WAS NEXT TURNED OUT TO BE BEOWULF, BUT MODIFIED FOR THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN: BEOWOLVERINE!! NOTICE WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE SUPERHERO WOLVERINE (YELLOW TIGHTS ARE FOR SISSIES) BUT THE 60-LB. WEASEL THAT'S BEEN KNOWN TO KILL POLAR BEARS (YELLOW TIGHTS ARE FOR SISSIES)!!

GIVEN THAT BEOWULF IS ALREADY A VERY COBRASAURUS!!!!! KIND OF BOOK -- BEFORE It EVEN STARTS THE HERO WAS FAMOUS FOR SWIMMING AROUND KILLING SEA MONSTERS FOR A WEEK OR SO -- THE QUESTION ARISES: HOW COULD IT BE MADE EVEN MORE MASCULINE?!!

SIMPLE: MORE MONSTERS!! EVERYONE GETS SEVERAL MONSTERS TO FIGHT!! EVEN WEALHTHEOW,  WHOSE JOB IN THE ORIGINAL IS LITERALLY TO STAND AROUND LOOKING PRETTY, KILLS EIGHT WITH HER BARE HANDS!! ALSO, UNFERTH IS NOW A BEAR!! WITH SPECIAL FORCES TRAINING!!

AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING STANDS BEOWOLVERINE!! HALF MAN, HALF WOLVERINE, ALL HALF-MAN, HALF-WOLVERINE!! BEOWOLVERINE!! HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE THE REST, BECAUSE HE'S TALLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!! BEOWOLVERINE!!

GET IT... OR DON'T!!