THE JOBS WE DO!!

WELL OVER TWO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED WHAT KIND OF JOB A REAL MAN -- A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN -- SHOULD HAVE!! THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT I CAN'T TELL YOU!! THERE ARE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN EVERYWHERE, FROM FREE-DIVING FOR CRABS IN THE BERING SEA TO BEING KING OF JUPITER!!! BESIDES, A REAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY!!! HE's TOO BUSY BACKHANDING HISTORY TO THE BEAT OF A DIFFERENT HOWITZER TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE OPENING OF ANYONE'S MOUTH, EVEN MINE!!

I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE DO, THOUGH!! THERE ARE FOUR OF US SO FAR AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!, AND WE'VE EACH FOUND OUR OWN AUTOBAHN AWAY FROM MEDIOCRITY!! 

CHARLES, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS JUANITA, CRUSHES ROCKS!! BEFORE YOU OBJECT THAT EVERY CON IN LEAVENWORTH DOES THAT, I'M GOING TO OBJECT THAT THEY DON'T DO IT LIKE HE DOES: WITH HIS FACE!! ONE SMACK FROM HIS DIAMONDLIKE FACE AND ROCKS CRUMBLE TO DUST!! SOMETIMES HE JUST STARES AT THEM AND THEY CRUMBLE FROM SHEER ANTICIPATION!!

BOBBY, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS ABIGAIL, WHO LIVES ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNY, IS A MYSTERY TO ME!! ALL I KNOW IS HE LIVES IN CALIFORNIA, AND CALIFORNIA HASN'T FALLEN INTO THE OCEAN!! YOU DO THE MATH!!

GREG, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS TAMMY, IS TEACHING HIS SONS TO MINE THE ASTEROIDS!! HE MINED MERCURY, VENUS, AND MARS ALREADY BY HIMSELF, AND HE'S TIRED OF HOLDING HIS BREATH!! FORTUNATELY, THE BOYS WERE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN FROM THE WOMB, BORN WITH BEARDS ON THEIR FACES AND PICKS IN THEIR HANDS!! THEIR MASCULINE HANDS!!

CHRIS, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS LESLIE, WORKS IN A TRAINYARD, KICKING RAIL CARS INTO PLACE!! HE ALSO KICKS LEOPARDS IN THE THROAT, BUT ONLY IF THEY ASK FOR IT, WHICH THEY USUALLY DO BY INFESTING HIS BOXCARS!! BUT, YOU MAY ASK, HOW MANY CARS COULD BE INFESTED WITH LEOPARDS?!! YOU'D BE SURPRISED!!

AND THAT IS HOW FOUR EXTRAORDINARILY MASCULINE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN (OR "DEMIGODS") FEED THEIR FAMILIES, EACH OF WHICH IS TOUGHER THAN A 900-FT. ORAL ROBERTS!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #4!!

IMOGENE C. OF DIRTFARM, NM ASKS:

WHY ARE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN SO HANDSOME?

WE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! DON'T LIKE TO BLOW OUR OWN HORNS!! THAT'S WHAT GOD GAVE US WHALES FOR!! HOWEVER, IT WOULD BE USELESS TO DENY THE FACT THAT WE'RE JUST BETTER-LOOKING THAN OTHERS !!

I THINK YOU'RE JUST REACTING TO THE SHEER MASCULNITY YOU CAN FEEL ROLLING OFF A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN LIKE A DUCK DRINKING GRAVY FROM A FIRE HOSE!! (REMEMBER THAT A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN ISN'T AFRAID OF MIXED METAPHORS!! WE'RE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!)

THAT EXPLAINS THE BEARDS, TOO!!! AFTER ALL, A BEARD IS JUST MASCULNITY OUTRUNNING YOUR FACE!! WHETHER YOU WEAR YOURS ON THE OUTSIDE ON THE INSIDE, IT MUST BE DEALT WITH!! LIKE OUR MASCULNITY!! WHICH IS WHY WE'RE SO HANDSOME!!

NEXT QUESTION!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB #3: ATLAS SHOT FIRST!!

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS A TRUE MASTER OF ALL TRADES, as comfortAble DOMINATING THE INTELLECTUAL REALM AS HE IS GIVING  FLYING ELBOWS TO DRAGONS!! IT's TO HONE THIS FUSION-POWERED KATANA HE CALLS A BRAIN THAT WE CREATED THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB!!

OUR SELECTION THIS TIME IS ATLAS SHOT FIRST, BASED ON ATLAS SHRUGGED BY ANGRY RUSSIAN-TURNED-AMERICAN AYN RAND!! WE THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING THE TITLE ALONE, BUT DECIDED THAT SHRUGGING WAS FOR HOUSEWIVES AND LITTLE GIRLS!! WE WOULDN't TELL ATLAS TO SHRUG, BUT TO SHOOT ... AND MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE GOT THE CHANCE!!

THE ORIGINAL RAN OVER 700 PAGES IN PAPERBACK, WHICH MEANT TWO THINGS: YOU COULD BRAIN A FAIRLY HEALTHY CAPE BUFFALO WITH IT, AND IT WAS JUST TOO LONG!! BY ELIMINATING ALL OF THE PHILOSOPHY, WEIRD "ROMANCE", AND WORDS OF MORE THAN ONE SYLLABLE -- IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN'T READ 'EM, WE JUST DON'T NEED 'EM -- WE GOT IT DOWN TO 35 LEAN, MEAN, FIGHTIN' PAGES!!

BUT WHO COULD WE GET TO READ SUCH A THING?!! AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE ONLY 35-PAGE BOOK THAT CAN CRUSH A WOLVERINE'S SKULL!, WE WENT ROUND AND ROUND, BUT IN THE END THERE WAS ONLY ONE CHOICE:

MR. T!!

NOT THE CURRENT ONE, BUT THE EARLY 80S ONE!! THE ONE BEFORE THE A-TEAM!, THE ONE WHO LIKED TO BE CALLED BY HIS FULL NAME: "FIRST NAME: MR! MIDDLE NAME: THE PERIOD! LAST NAME: T!"!!

ATLAS SHOT FIRST, READ BY MR. T!! GET IT NOW, IF YOU AREN'T A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #6

"I WENT TO THE MOON TO FIGHT A VIKING? COOL!" -- THE HULK

BESIDES BEING POSSIBLY THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD, IT'S COOL INDEED, HULK!! COOL INDEED!,

10 MORER COBRASAURUS!!!!!! FACTS

1.) COBRASAURUS!!!!!! IS THE OFFICIAL SUPPLIER OF MASCULINITY TO THE OBAMA WHITE HOUSE!! SO FAR IT HASN'T ASKED FOR ANY!!

EIGHT.) A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN NEVER WEARS BODY ARMOR IN IRAQ, WHERE HE TEACHES ORPHANS!! MASCULNE ORPHANS!! MASCULORPHANS!!

D.) "MASCULORPHANS" IS NOW A WORD YOU WILL USE!! SO SPEAKS COBRASAURUS!!!!!

VI.) A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS BORN SPEAKING ONE OF THE LANGUAGES OF SIBERIA!! WHEN ASKED, "WHY SIBERIA?" THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "WHY NOT?!!"

V.) A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN CAN MAKE BACON OUT OF ANYTHING, INCLUDING GIRAFFES, LIGHTNING, AND OTHER BACON!!

IV.) A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN CAN NEVER DROWN IN THE OCEAN!! IF HE EVER FALLS IN, THE OCEAN BETTER JUST BACK IT UP!!

7.) COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN NEVER FEEL PAIN!! INSTEAD, PAIN FEELS THEM, AND THEY FEEL ANGRY!!

SEPTUS.) THE REASON WE CONSUME SO MUCH MEAT IS THAT FOR A COBRASAURUS!!!!!!! MAN TO EAT, SOMETHING HAS TO DIE!!

VII,) SHOWERS ARE GOOD, BUT BOTTLING YOUR OWN MUSK AND SELLING IT FOR $5000 A POP IS EVEN BETTER!!

A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MORNING

NO ONE HAS ASKED HOW A COBRASAURUS!!!!!  MAN STARTS HIS DAY, BUT I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY!!

I ALWAYS GET UP BEFORE DAWN, BECAUSE THE SUN DOESN'T DARE RISE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!! THEN I WAKE UP THE FAMILY WOLVERINE WITH A PUNCH IN THE FACE!! IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT THE WOLVERINE IS LIVESTOCK, NOT A PET!! THE REASON A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN NEEDS A WOLVERINE IS OBVIOUS: THAT'S  WHERE YOU GET WOLVERINE MILK!!

WOLVERINE MILK IS ALL I DRINK FOR ONE SIMPLE REASON!! WOLVERINES DON'T LIKE TO BE MILKED, SO IT TAKES A VERY MASCULINE MAN TO DO IT!! IT ALSO GIOES VERY WELL WITH SCOTCH BONNET CHEERIOS!! I EAT A BIG BOWL EVERY MORNING BEFORE GOING TO WORK, WHICH INVOLVES KICKING!! I KICK RAIL CARS INTO PLACE AND LEOPARDS IN THEIR IGNORANT LEOPARD THROATS!!

ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY EVENINGS!!

TONIGHT ON COBRASAURUS!!!!!! TV!!!

IF YOUR CABLE PROVIDER DOESN'T CARRY COBRASAURUS!!!!! TV, CALL AND DEMAND TO KNOW WHY NOT, THREATENING EVERYONE THERE WITH SEVERE BODILY DEATH IF IT DOESN'T!! BETTER YET, GO OUT AND PICK UP THE SIGNAL ON YOUR OWN RAGE!!

NINJALYMPICS -- LIKE THE OLYMPICS, BUT WITH NINJAS!!

ILLEGAL SIBERIAN BEAR-WRESTLING--- ARE THE BEARS ILLEGAL, OR IS IT THE WRESTLING?!! WHO CARES?!!

CHEF MONGKUBAT COOKS MONGOLIAN BBQ -- WITH REAL MONGOLIAINS!!

GHAZAJ, MD -- REAL TAJIK MEDICINE!! NOW WITH EVEN MORE GOATS!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! PRESENTS MASTERPIECE THEATRE: KONG LEAR -- LIKE  KING LEAR BUT WITH GIANT APES!!

ENJOY IT OR DON'T,!