ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN 2002!!

THE 141ST MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION ON EARTH!!

Nothing to see here, folks. It's just a map.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT EQUATORIAL GUINEA!!

CHUCK NORRIS LOOKS BACK ON 50 YEARS OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! ENVY!!

"MR NORRIS SAID HE'S WASTED HIS ENTIRE LIFE," HIS PUBLICIST TOLD US AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!  LIKE WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW!! "HIS CAREER AS AN ACTION HERO WAS MEANT TO IMPRESS COBRASAURUS!!!!!, AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, HE GAINED A REPUTATION AS AN ULTRA-HUMANOID!! FINALLY. HE JUST GAVE UP!!

"HE SAYS HE IS MUCH HAPPIER NOW, WEARING PRETTY YELLOW SUNDRESSES, GOING BY HIS MIDDLE NAME, LACEY, AND FOLLOWING HIS TRUE DREAM OF PLAYING FURNITURE OFF-BROADWAY!! HE CAN CURRENTLY BE SEEN IN A MODERNIZATION OF THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, AS A TASTEFUL OTTOMAN!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #888.2!!

MELVIN F. OF MARS STUMP, MD ASKS:

"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A GOOD PLACE TO GET A MANICURE?"

ANSWER!!:

FIRST, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?!! OUR SECURITY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY LIKE YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED!! SECOND, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN DON'T GET MANICURES!! WE GET MANIDISEASES!! RIGHT NOW, I HAVE DENGUE FEVER IN MY LEFT HAND, AND TRENCH MOUTH IN THE RIGHT!!

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR NINJECTIONS?!!

HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! WE DON'T LIKE SHOTS ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALL OURS FROM NINJAS!! NINJECTIONS COST MORE BUT THEY'RE COMPLETELY WORTH IT THOUGH!!! COMPLETELY!! THE BEST THING ABOUT GETTING A NINJECTION IS THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!! UNLESS YOU GET IT WITH A SWORD!! THEN YOU WILL DIE!!

                                       

                                  PREPARE TO BE INOCULATED AGAINST LIFE!!

SO GET YOUR NINJECTIONS TODAY!! AND REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!: YOU CAN TRY TO RUN FROM A NINJA RIDING A DINOSAUR, BUT YOU'LL ONLY DIE TIRED!!

(THANKS TO CHRISTOPHER HASTINGS, FROM WHOSE WEBCOMIC THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA THE PICTURE WAS BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF!! AND SPECIAL THANKS TO MY DAUGHTER EMILY BLOOM, WHO CAME UP WITH NINJECTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! HER MOTHER AND I THOUGHT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS GRACE, BUT SHE SAYS DANGER IS HER MIDDLE NAME!!)

BLOWOUT!!

YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT COBRASAURUS!!!!! DOESN'T ENDORSE PRODUCTS!! THIS ISN'T BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO, BUT BECAUSE NO PRODUCT IS MASCULINE ENOUGH!! WELL, WE FOUND ONE!!

OF COURSE, WE HAD TO INVENT IT!! IT'S A LAXATIVE, AND IT'S CALLED BLOWOUT!! (WHY DID WE INVENT A LAXATIVE?!! EAT AS MUCH WOLVERINE CHEESE AS WE DO AND SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH!!) WARNING: BLOWOUT IS NOT GENTLE!! BLOWOUT IS NOT PRETTY!! IT WILL MAKE YOU PRAY YOU DON'T NEED YOUR BONES AS BADLY AS YOU THOUGHT YOU DID!! BLOWOUT: DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!!

LET ME ME BE 100% CLEAR. IF YOU TAKE BLOWOUT AND YOU'RE NOT A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, YOU WILL DIE IN HORRIBLE PAIN!! IF YOU ARE, YOU WILL LIVE IN HORRIBLE PAIN!! THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HORNETS, AND IT WAS FIRST USED AS A NATURAL WAY TO PUT GOPHERS INTO ORBIT!! BLOWOUT WILL CLEAR OUT YOUR BOWELS, BUT IT WON'T STOP UNTIL IT'S DONE THE SAME THING TO YOUR FACE!!! BLOWOUT: LEAVE NO TOOTH UNTURNED!!

SO GET SOME BLOWOUT, AND REMEMBER: THE WRITHING AGONY TELLS YOU IT'S WORKING!!

MAN UP, BABIES!!

THE FACT IS YOU'VE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG WITH YOUR BIG FAT BUDDHA BELLIES AND YOUR CHUBBY CHEEKS AND YOUR FAT ROLLS ON YOUR ARMS AND LEGS!! I'D SAY YOU'VE LET YOURSELVES GO, BUT YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY, WHICH MEANS THAT YOU LET YOURSELVES GO IN THE WOMB, AND THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!! SO QUIT YOUR WHINING AND CRYING, BABIES!! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR "I CAN'T WALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CANT TALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CAN'T READ THE POEMS OF GENGHIS KHAN IN THE ORIGINAL MONGOLIAN BECAUSE I'M A BABY!!" (IF YOU DON'T THINK POETRY IS VERY MASCULINE, YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T READ HIS!!) AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, CONTROL YOURSELVES!! I ONCE SAW A BABY EXPLODE FROM EVERY ORIFICE AT ONCE, AND WHILE THAT WAS INTERESTING FROM A HYDRODYNAMIC PERSPECTIVE, IT WAS DISGUSTING TO CLEAN UP!! AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION THE SPIT!! BABIES PUT EVERYTHING IN THEIR MOUTHS. INCLUDING NATO AND WARSAW PACT SMALL ARMS, AND THEY SLOBBER ON WHATEVER THEY CAN REACH!! THAT'S NOT "EXPLORING THE WORLD WITH YOUR MOUTH", THAT'S SPITTING ON THE UNIVERSE, AND IF I CAN'T DO IT, NEITHER CAN YOU!!

WHAT I'M SAYING, BABIES, IS STOP BEING SUCH BABIES!! MAN UP!! PUNCH A STEAM DRILL IN THE FACE!! PUNCH JOHN HENRY IN THE FACE!! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE!! NOW GROW FACIAL HAIR AND GET A CS!!!! TATTOO ACROSS YOUR CHEST!! BETTER YET, GET IT ON THE INSIDE, SO YOUR MOM DOESN'T FREAK OUT!! NOW PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE: YOUR FACIAL HAIR. YOUR TATTOO, AND YOUR MOM!! 

MAN UP, BABIES!!