MAN UP, BABIES!!

THE FACT IS YOU'VE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG WITH YOUR BIG FAT BUDDHA BELLIES AND YOUR CHUBBY CHEEKS AND YOUR FAT ROLLS ON YOUR ARMS AND LEGS!! I'D SAY YOU'VE LET YOURSELVES GO, BUT YOU WERE BORN THAT WAY, WHICH MEANS THAT YOU LET YOURSELVES GO IN THE WOMB, AND THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!! SO QUIT YOUR WHINING AND CRYING, BABIES!! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR "I CAN'T WALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CANT TALK BECAUSE I'M A BABY" OR "I CAN'T READ THE POEMS OF GENGHIS KHAN IN THE ORIGINAL MONGOLIAN BECAUSE I'M A BABY!!" (IF YOU DON'T THINK POETRY IS VERY MASCULINE, YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T READ HIS!!) AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, CONTROL YOURSELVES!! I ONCE SAW A BABY EXPLODE FROM EVERY ORIFICE AT ONCE, AND WHILE THAT WAS INTERESTING FROM A HYDRODYNAMIC PERSPECTIVE, IT WAS DISGUSTING TO CLEAN UP!! AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION THE SPIT!! BABIES PUT EVERYTHING IN THEIR MOUTHS. INCLUDING NATO AND WARSAW PACT SMALL ARMS, AND THEY SLOBBER ON WHATEVER THEY CAN REACH!! THAT'S NOT "EXPLORING THE WORLD WITH YOUR MOUTH", THAT'S SPITTING ON THE UNIVERSE, AND IF I CAN'T DO IT, NEITHER CAN YOU!!

WHAT I'M SAYING, BABIES, IS STOP BEING SUCH BABIES!! MAN UP!! PUNCH A STEAM DRILL IN THE FACE!! PUNCH JOHN HENRY IN THE FACE!! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE!! NOW GROW FACIAL HAIR AND GET A CS!!!! TATTOO ACROSS YOUR CHEST!! BETTER YET, GET IT ON THE INSIDE, SO YOUR MOM DOESN'T FREAK OUT!! NOW PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE: YOUR FACIAL HAIR. YOUR TATTOO, AND YOUR MOM!! 

MAN UP, BABIES!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #915!!

"I'M A REAL MAN, AND I CAN'T HELP THAT." -- STEPHEN COLBERT 

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO!! THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS QUOTE IS THAT IT SOUNDS APOLOGETIC, AND A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN APOLOGIZES WITH HIS FISTS, AND SOMETIMES WITH A WELL-PLACED KICK TO THE KNEE!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #1954

BILL O. OF BIRMINGHAM,AL ASKS:

"DO YOU HAVE TO BE BORN A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, OR CAN ANYBODY BECOME ONE?!!"

ANSWER!!:

ANYONE CAN BE ONE, PROVIDED HE HAS THREE THINGS!!:

1. A WILLINGNESS TO EAT AN ENTIRE WALRUS!! YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO, BUT YOU'D BETTER BE WILLING!! AND NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO KILL IT FOR YOU!!

2. THE ABILITY TO SMACK THUNDER UPSIDE THE HEAD!! AGAIN, YOU MAY NEVER HAVE TO, BUT ISN'T IT NICE TO KNOW YOU CAN?!!

3. A 3148-LB. BENCH PRESS!! OBVIOUSLY!!

I'LL ALSO ACCEPT:

SWIMMING THE PACIFIC ... WITH SHARKS!!

FLYING AN A-10 LIKE A KITE!!

DISCOVERING A NEW MOON, AND THEN DESTROYING IT ... WITH SHARKS!!

THROWING BOTSWANA LIKE A FRISBEE!!

ATTACKING RUSSIA IN WINTER ... WITH SHARKS!!

SWALLOWING EIGHT DOZEN LARGE LIVE SHARKS (SHARKS OPTIONAL)!!

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB #4: BEOWOLVERINE!!

I WAS SITTING AROUND THE OTHER DAY, WHICH I ALWAYS DO IN THE MOST MASCULNE WAY IMAGINABLE, WHEN I FELT LIKE READING SOMETHING!! NOW, I LIKE NECK-PUNCHING DUMP TRUCKS AND GIVING WEDGIES TO MOUNTAIN RANGES MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE, BUT SOMETIMES I WANT TO KILL THINGS WITH MY BRAIN, AND THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO EXERCISE THAT PARTICULAR MUSCLE IS THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BOOK CLUB!!

I'D ALREADY READ THE FIRST THREE BOOKS THAT CS!!!!! RECOMMENDED -- PUNISHMENT, WAR, AND ATLAS SHOT FIRST -- AND WAS EAGER TO SEE WHAT WAS NEXT!! WHAT WAS NEXT TURNED OUT TO BE BEOWULF, BUT MODIFIED FOR THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN: BEOWOLVERINE!! NOTICE WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE SUPERHERO WOLVERINE (YELLOW TIGHTS ARE FOR SISSIES) BUT THE 60-LB. WEASEL THAT'S BEEN KNOWN TO KILL POLAR BEARS (YELLOW TIGHTS ARE FOR SISSIES)!!

GIVEN THAT BEOWULF IS ALREADY A VERY COBRASAURUS!!!!! KIND OF BOOK -- BEFORE It EVEN STARTS THE HERO WAS FAMOUS FOR SWIMMING AROUND KILLING SEA MONSTERS FOR A WEEK OR SO -- THE QUESTION ARISES: HOW COULD IT BE MADE EVEN MORE MASCULINE?!!

SIMPLE: MORE MONSTERS!! EVERYONE GETS SEVERAL MONSTERS TO FIGHT!! EVEN WEALHTHEOW,  WHOSE JOB IN THE ORIGINAL IS LITERALLY TO STAND AROUND LOOKING PRETTY, KILLS EIGHT WITH HER BARE HANDS!! ALSO, UNFERTH IS NOW A BEAR!! WITH SPECIAL FORCES TRAINING!!

AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING STANDS BEOWOLVERINE!! HALF MAN, HALF WOLVERINE, ALL HALF-MAN, HALF-WOLVERINE!! BEOWOLVERINE!! HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE THE REST, BECAUSE HE'S TALLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!! BEOWOLVERINE!!

GET IT... OR DON'T!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #921!!

HAZEL N. OF OWL MOUNTAIN, WY ASKS:

MY SON IS GROWING UP TO BE A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

ANSWER:

FIRST, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!! YOU'VE JOINED THE ELITE RANKS OF WOMANHOOD: MOTHERS WHO HAVE RAISED A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! MOST WOMEN WON'T TRY, AND OF THE FEW WHO DO, EVEN FEWER SURVIVE!!

SECOND, DO NOTHING!! THE MASCULNITY WILL COME ON ITS OWN!! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS KEEP FEEDING HIM PLENTY OF RAW WOLF AND EXPLOSIVE ELEPHANT BULLETS!! REMEMBER, A BOY'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS HIDEAWAY BAZOOKA THAT FIRES ANGRY MOTHER BEARS, BUT HIS MOTHER ISN'T FAR BEHIND!!

THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! JOB I COULD THINK OF IN THE WORLD!!

I'VE THOUGHT A LONG TIME ABOUT THIS, AND HAD IT NARROWED DOWN TO FIVE FINALISTS!!

1) LAVA SURFER!!

THIS WOULD BE A SERIOUS CONTENDER IF IT WASN'T FOR ONE LITTLE THING: IT DOESN'T EXIST!! NOT THAT NO ONE DOES IT; THAT'S LIKE SAYING THAT THERE ARE NO COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN HEAD-BUTTING DOWN EVEREST!! OF COURSE PEOPLE DO IT, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE A LIVING AT IT!! THEREFORE, IT HAD TO BE CUT FROM THE LIST!!

2) BULL PUNCHER!!

SHOW ME A BULL, AND I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING THAT NEEDS PUNCHING IN THE FACE!! HARD!! THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN CAN ONLY PUNCH EACH BULL ONCE!! THAT'S BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES ONE PUNCH FROM HIM TO LIQUIFY THE BULL!!

3) SESTINA WRITER!!

AT FIRST GLANCE, IT SEEMS LIKE WRITING POEMS WOULDN'T BE A VERY COBRASAURUS!!!!! JOB, BUT THAT DOESN'T TAKE SOMETHING INTO ACCOUNT: SESTINAS ARE HARD TO WRITE!! ALSO, YOU HAVE TO DO IT UNDERWATER WHILE WRESTLING SHARKS!!

4) RATTLESNAKE WHISPERER!!

HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: RATTLESNAKES HATE TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO!! THEY ALSO HATE TO BE WHISPERED AT!! PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING THEY DON'T HATE IS BITING PEOPLE, WHICH HELPS EXPLAIN THAT WHILE THERE ARE VERY FEW OLD RATTLESNAKE WHISPERERS, THOSE ARE EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD!!

IN THE END, THOUGH, THERE WAS ONLY ONE CHOICE: 

5) WOLVERINE MILKER!!

MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN WAKE UP ONE WOLVERINE BY PUNCHING IN THE FACE AND THEN GET ENOUGH MILK FOR THEIR OWN BREAKFASTS!! A RARE FEW WAKE UP TO 400 OF THEM BY PUNCHING THEM IN THEIR FACES AND THEN HERD THEM INTO MILKING SHEDS TO HOOK THEM UP TO VIOLENTLY COMPLICATED APPARATUSES FOR MILKING THEM TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES!! AS A REMINDER, WOLVERINES ARE 60-LB. WEASELS THAT REGULARLY KILL MOOSE!! THEY ALSO DON'T LIKE TO BE MILKED!! WHICH MEANS SOME ASK: WHY DO IT?!! BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET WOLVERINE CHEESE!!

REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT WOLVERINE CHEESE: IF YOU ASK HOW MUCH YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT, AND IF YOU ASK WHY YOU DON'T DESERVE IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!!!

THE JOBS WE DO!!

WELL OVER TWO PEOPLE HAVE ASKED WHAT KIND OF JOB A REAL MAN -- A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN -- SHOULD HAVE!! THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT I CAN'T TELL YOU!! THERE ARE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN EVERYWHERE, FROM FREE-DIVING FOR CRABS IN THE BERING SEA TO BEING KING OF JUPITER!!! BESIDES, A REAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY!!! HE's TOO BUSY BACKHANDING HISTORY TO THE BEAT OF A DIFFERENT HOWITZER TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE OPENING OF ANYONE'S MOUTH, EVEN MINE!!

I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE DO, THOUGH!! THERE ARE FOUR OF US SO FAR AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!, AND WE'VE EACH FOUND OUR OWN AUTOBAHN AWAY FROM MEDIOCRITY!! 

CHARLES, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS JUANITA, CRUSHES ROCKS!! BEFORE YOU OBJECT THAT EVERY CON IN LEAVENWORTH DOES THAT, I'M GOING TO OBJECT THAT THEY DON'T DO IT LIKE HE DOES: WITH HIS FACE!! ONE SMACK FROM HIS DIAMONDLIKE FACE AND ROCKS CRUMBLE TO DUST!! SOMETIMES HE JUST STARES AT THEM AND THEY CRUMBLE FROM SHEER ANTICIPATION!!

BOBBY, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS ABIGAIL, WHO LIVES ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNY, IS A MYSTERY TO ME!! ALL I KNOW IS HE LIVES IN CALIFORNIA, AND CALIFORNIA HASN'T FALLEN INTO THE OCEAN!! YOU DO THE MATH!!

GREG, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS TAMMY, IS TEACHING HIS SONS TO MINE THE ASTEROIDS!! HE MINED MERCURY, VENUS, AND MARS ALREADY BY HIMSELF, AND HE'S TIRED OF HOLDING HIS BREATH!! FORTUNATELY, THE BOYS WERE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN FROM THE WOMB, BORN WITH BEARDS ON THEIR FACES AND PICKS IN THEIR HANDS!! THEIR MASCULINE HANDS!!

CHRIS, WHOSE FIRST NAME IS LESLIE, WORKS IN A TRAINYARD, KICKING RAIL CARS INTO PLACE!! HE ALSO KICKS LEOPARDS IN THE THROAT, BUT ONLY IF THEY ASK FOR IT, WHICH THEY USUALLY DO BY INFESTING HIS BOXCARS!! BUT, YOU MAY ASK, HOW MANY CARS COULD BE INFESTED WITH LEOPARDS?!! YOU'D BE SURPRISED!!

AND THAT IS HOW FOUR EXTRAORDINARILY MASCULINE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN (OR "DEMIGODS") FEED THEIR FAMILIES, EACH OF WHICH IS TOUGHER THAN A 900-FT. ORAL ROBERTS!!