10 FACTS YOU WON'T LEARN ANYWHERE ELSE!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF NEWS, BECAUSE ONLY COBRASAURUS!!!!! ISN'T AFRAID TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE THINGS WE JUST MADE UP!! IN FACT, IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF INFORMATION!!

1!!. THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ELKVILLE, MANITOBA MIGHT BE MADE OF CILANTRO!! OR IT MIGHT NOT!! WE JUST DON'T KNOW!!

B!!.. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE, INCLUDING BASQUE, URDU, AND THE LANGUAGES OF ALL NEW GUINEAN TRIBES!! IT EVEN SOUNDS THE SAME IN SIGN LANGUAGE AND THE FUTURE!!

MCMIX!!. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DINOSAURS!!? NOTHING!! YOU'RE JUST IN DENIAL!!

SIX!!. IF YOU GO TO A REMOTE VILLAGE IN BOTSWANA AND TELL THEM THAT YOU'RE A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN, YOU CAN STILL EXPECT TWO THINGS: RESPECT AND TESTING!! YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU'RE WORTHY OF CALLING YOURSELF THAT!! ACCEPTABLE PROOFS INCLUDE STARING DOWN AN ELEPHANT, PULLING THE HEART FROM AN ATTACKING LION, FORCING A GABOON VIPER TO PUNCH A BUFFALO IN THE EYE WITH JUST YOUR WILL, AND THROWING A RHINOCEROS!! 

11!!. DON'T TEACH YOUR KIDS THOSE THINGS ON THEIR FACES ARE CALLED NOSES!! TELL THEM THEY'RE SNOUTS INSTEAD!!

C!!. COBRASAURUS!!!!! HAS HAD A WEBSITE SINCE 1691, BUT DIDN'T FIND ANYONE MASCULINE ENOUGH TO TALK TO UNTIL A FEW YEARS AGO!!

OCHO!!. CHUCK NORRIS WAS EATEN BY BRIAN BLESSED!! TWICE!!

It's bad enough to face this once.

VII. THERE IS A FEMALE COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!! THAT WOMAN WHO USED TO SING FOR ARCH ENEMY LOOKED LIKE SHE COULD EAT A LIVE WOLVERINE AND SOUNDED LIKE SHE HAD!!

SYV!!.  THE BEST NINJAS AREN'T JAPANESE, BUT BULGARIAN!! YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BULGARIAN NINJAS!!? THAT'S RIGHT!!

7. COBRASAURUS!!!!! IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!! IT DOESN'T WANT TO MEET YOUR WIFE OR DATE YOUR DAUGHTER!! COBRASAURUS!!!!! WILL KILL YOU WITH THERMONUCLEAR DINOSAUR FIRE!! MADE OF WEREWOLVES!!

REMEMBER, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN ARE LIKE ICE CREAM CONES!! WOMEN WANT THEM, AND MEN WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE GRAND CANYON BY THEM!! 

THE GREATEST WORK OF ART EVER PRODUCED!!!

BEHOLD!!

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS. I'M ONE OF THE MOST MASCULINE MEN WHO HAS EVER EXISTED, AND MY EYES ARE NEARLY BLEEDING FROM THE SHEER COBRASAURUS!!!!!NESS OF THIS IMAGE!! THE FACT THAT THE CANVAS WAS THE SIDE OF A VAN MAKES IT EVEN BETTER!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN 2002!!

THE 141ST MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! NATION ON EARTH!!

Nothing to see here, folks. It's just a map.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT EQUATORIAL GUINEA!!

CHUCK NORRIS LOOKS BACK ON 50 YEARS OF COBRASAURUS!!!!! ENVY!!

"MR NORRIS SAID HE'S WASTED HIS ENTIRE LIFE," HIS PUBLICIST TOLD US AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!  LIKE WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW!! "HIS CAREER AS AN ACTION HERO WAS MEANT TO IMPRESS COBRASAURUS!!!!!, AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, HE GAINED A REPUTATION AS AN ULTRA-HUMANOID!! FINALLY. HE JUST GAVE UP!!

"HE SAYS HE IS MUCH HAPPIER NOW, WEARING PRETTY YELLOW SUNDRESSES, GOING BY HIS MIDDLE NAME, LACEY, AND FOLLOWING HIS TRUE DREAM OF PLAYING FURNITURE OFF-BROADWAY!! HE CAN CURRENTLY BE SEEN IN A MODERNIZATION OF THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, AS A TASTEFUL OTTOMAN!!

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN #888.2!!

MELVIN F. OF MARS STUMP, MD ASKS:

"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A GOOD PLACE TO GET A MANICURE?"

ANSWER!!:

FIRST, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?!! OUR SECURITY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY LIKE YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED!! SECOND, COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN DON'T GET MANICURES!! WE GET MANIDISEASES!! RIGHT NOW, I HAVE DENGUE FEVER IN MY LEFT HAND, AND TRENCH MOUTH IN THE RIGHT!!

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR NINJECTIONS?!!

HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!!! WE DON'T LIKE SHOTS ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALL OURS FROM NINJAS!! NINJECTIONS COST MORE BUT THEY'RE COMPLETELY WORTH IT THOUGH!!! COMPLETELY!! THE BEST THING ABOUT GETTING A NINJECTION IS THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GETTING IT!! UNLESS YOU GET IT WITH A SWORD!! THEN YOU WILL DIE!!

                                       

                                  PREPARE TO BE INOCULATED AGAINST LIFE!!

SO GET YOUR NINJECTIONS TODAY!! AND REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY AT COBRASAURUS!!!!!: YOU CAN TRY TO RUN FROM A NINJA RIDING A DINOSAUR, BUT YOU'LL ONLY DIE TIRED!!

(THANKS TO CHRISTOPHER HASTINGS, FROM WHOSE WEBCOMIC THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA THE PICTURE WAS BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF!! AND SPECIAL THANKS TO MY DAUGHTER EMILY BLOOM, WHO CAME UP WITH NINJECTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! HER MOTHER AND I THOUGHT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS GRACE, BUT SHE SAYS DANGER IS HER MIDDLE NAME!!)