WHAT THE UN NEEDS!!

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'VE WONDERED HOW TO FIX THE UNITED NATIONS!! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US, OTHER THAN THE GLORIOUS PELT ON MY CHEST, IS THAT I KNOW WHAT THE UN NEEDS!! IT NEEDS A DOUBLE-BARRELED NINJECTION OF PURE MASCULNITY RIGHT IN ITS BLEEDING HEART!! IF IT'S GOING TO RUN THE WORLD, IT SHOULD DO IT WITH AN IRON FIST!! AND AN IRON FISH!! I KNOW THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHEN YOU RULE THE WORLD!!

FIRST THEY SHOULD FIND ALL THE COUNTRIES THAT OWE THEM MONEY AND BEAT IT OUT OF 'EM!! THEN THEY SHOULD JUST PICK A BUNCH OF RANDOM COUNTRIES AND BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THEM TO KEEP THEM ON THEIR TOES!! FINALLY, THEY SHOULD SMACK THE GAMBIA AROUND A LITTLE JUST FOR BEING CALLED "THE GAMBIA"!!

I'M NO FAN OF THE UN, BUT I MIGHT BE IT ACTED LIKE THIS!! BESIDES, THESE THINGS ARE GOING TO Happen ANYWAY!! DON''T THINK A MAN WHO ONCE GAVE A PURPLE NURPLE TO THE EARTH'S MAGNETIC FIELD WOULDN'T STOOP TO KICKING THE GAMBIA WHEN IT'S THE GAMBIA!!

HOW WE KILL MOSQUITOES!!

Our resident team of Turkish engineers 

prepares the Fly-Mangler 6000

.

IT'S SUMMER, AND HERE AT COBRASAURUS!!!! THAT MEANS ONE THING: BUGS!! ACTUALLY, IT MEANS HEAT AND BUGS, BUT THE HEAT JUST BETTER DO WHAT IT'S DANG WELL TOLD!! AND WE REALLY DON'T LIKE BUGS!! IN FACT, WE HATE THEM!! AND WE KILL THEM JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, ONLY HARDER!! FOR EXAMPLE, OUR FLYSWATTERS WOULD BE CALLED HOWITZERS BY MOST INTERNATIONAL BODIES!! SOME PEOPLE JUST REPEL INSECTS; WE PREFER TO TERRIFY THEM!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! QUOTE #8988!!

"YOU'RE ON PAIN STANDARD TIME, AND IT'S DAN O'CLOCK!" -- THE ADVENTURES OF DR. MCNINJA

THIS WAS SAID BY A NINJA WITH A MASK CUTOUT FOR HIS MUSTACHE JUST BEFORE HE GAVE A BEATDOWN TO A BUNCH OF PIRATES!! I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE!!

THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! STYLE GUIDE

 

THERE ARE ONLY A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR WRITING THE COBRASAURUS!!!!! WAY!!:

 

1.  ALL-CAPS, ALL THE TIME!!  LOWER-CASE LETTERS CANNOT CONTAIN THE POWER OF A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN’S THOUGHTS, WHICH ARE LIKE A THERMONUCLEAR GUTSLAM IN THE BRAIN!!

 

2.  EVERY SENTENCE ENDS WITH AT LEAST TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS!!  THIS IS SELF-EXPLANATORY, UNLESS YOU ARE A SKIRT-WEARIN’ FAIRY-MARY!!

 

3.  “COBRASAURUS!!!!!” ALWAYS HAS FIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS, BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW THE RULES OF SPELLING WORK!!

 

4.  LIBERAL USE OF BOLD LETTERS IS ENCOURAGED!!  A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN MUST BE BOLD, LIKE A FORTY-FOOT PORCU-SHARK WITH MACHINE-GUN EYES!!  ALSO, I COLOR THE BOLD LETTERS RED, TO MAKE THEM STAND OUT AGAINST THE BACKGROUND!!

 

5.  I LABEL EVERY POST WITH “ILLEGAL SIBERIAN BEAR-WRESTLING”.  YOU CAN TRY TO BE AS AWESOME AS ME, OR CREATE YOUR OWN SIGNATURE LABEL, OR JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!!

 

6.  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING TOO RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE, YOU’RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUSLY MASCULINE ENOUGH!!  YOU CAN ALWAYS GET MORE STOOPID-AWESOME!!  THE MODEL FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! WRITING IS -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT!! -- IS AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON MULBERRY STREET, BY DR. SUESS!!  GOING TOO FAR IS NEVER FAR ENOUGH!!

 

 

ASK A COBRASAURUS!!!! MAN #62

James W. OF WOONSOCKET, RI ASKS: 

WHAT EXACTLY IS A LASER MULE, ANYWAY?

ANSWER!!: 

THATS A QUESTION THAT GOES RIGHT TO THE HEART OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A COBRASAURUS!!!!!!! MAN!! HOWEVER, SINCE YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU MUST BE A SKIRT-WEARIN' FAIRY-MARY, AND I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER IT!!

COBRASAURUS!!!!! TIP FOR COBRASAURUS!!!!! MEN #8!!

SOME SCIENTISTS THINK THAT SUGAR MAY BE LINKED TO HEART DISEASE!!  BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEVER BEEN LINKED TO HEART DISEASE?!!

SPRINKLING LIVE WATER MOCCASINS ON YOUR CEREAL!!

IT AIN'T EASY BEING A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN!!

Having forgotten to ask permission first,

the sun just rose on a world of hurt.

BEING A COBRASAURUS!!!!!! MAN'S NOT AN EASY JOB, BUT IT NEEDS DOING!! BESIDES, THE OCEAN'S NOT GOING TO PUNCH ITSELF IN THE STOMACH!! NOT EVEN BILLY OCEAN WILL DO THAT!! DO YOU THINK I LIKE WAKING UP THE FAMILY WOLERINE EVERY MORNING BY ATTACKING ITS FACE?!! ACTUALLY, I DO!! DO YOU THINK I GET SOME KIND OF PLEASURE FROM PUTTING A FULL NELSON ON THE SUN FOR A LITTLE TOO LIPPY?!! AGAIN, OF COURSE I DO!! DO I SOMEHOW ENJOY PUNCHING LEOPARDS IN THEIR IGNORANT LEOPARD THROATS?!! BOY HOWDY I DO!! BUT IT'S STILL A JOB!! AND IT'S NOT A MATTER OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL DO IT, BUT OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN!!