BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE 3: LAVA HELL IS NOT A GOOD FILM!! THAT, OF COURSE, DOESN'T MATTER!! WHAT MATTERS ISN'T QUALITY, BUT COBRASAURUS!!!!!NESS ... WHICH THIS PITIFUL "SEQUEL" LACKS LIKE JELLYFISH LACK FIREARMS!!
THE MAJOR PROBLEM?!! EVERYTHING!! SINCE WE HATE THIS INCREDIBLE WASTE OF PIXELS WITH ALL OF OUR ANTHRACITE-BURNING HEARTS, LET'S DRIVE A FIERY LEATHER STAKE THROUGH BATEA3: LH'S EVIL LITTLE BRAIN QUICKLY AND GET BACK TO DRINKING NAPALM-INFUSED CHILI VINEGAR!!
FOR A MOVIE SUBTITLED "LAVA HELL", THERE'S PRECIOUS LITTLE LAVA, AND MOST OF THAT IS CGI!! THIS IS A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE COBRASAURUS!!!!! BELIEVES FIRMLY IN USING REAL LAVA IN FILMS, BABY CLOTHES, AND COOKIE RECIPES!! IN ADDITION, THE FILM DOES A GREAT DISSERVICE TO ITS "STARS" JOSH BROLIN AND BARRY PEPPER, TWO OF THE FEW ACTORS WHO ARE KNOWN TO BE IMMUNE TO GEOLOGY!!
THE REST OF THE CAST CONSISTS OF VARIOUS PLASTIC FACE-BOTS SEEMINGLY CHOSEN AS AN EXERCISE IN MISSING THE POINT!! RUFUS, FORMERLY PLAYED BY THE LATE GEORGE "&^@$ &&@% *^$@ $%$# %^*&%##%^*^ ^*#%#@^&$%*& AND #%^" CARLIN, IS HERE PLAYED BY JOHN "FAT SISSY" PINETTE. THE USUAL HISTORICAL FIGURES ARE REPLACED A FEW PEOPLE WHO ARE RECORDED AS HAVING DIED BY FALLING INTO LAVA: MOSTLY SNAIL-BITING FRENCH EXPLORER PUFFY-DOOS!!
THEY'RE ALL UNIFORMLY AWFUL!! THE ONLY EXCEPTION IS ONE OF THE FRENCH PUFFY-DOOS, WHO ACTUALLY DID DIE DURING FILMING, POSSIBLY WHILE FONDLING A CREPE!! HAD THE ENTIRE CAST AND CREW DONE THE SAME, THE RESULT WOULD BE A DEMONSTRABLY BETTER FILM, AND PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HAD MORE LAVA!!
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