HISTORICAL COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN FROM HISTORY #16!!

A QUESTION THAT MUST HAVE OCCURRED TO EVERYONE AT SOME POINT -- UNLESS YOU'RE SOME KIND OF DROOLING MONGOLOID SISSY-FACE -- IS "WHO WAS AMERICA'S MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! PRESIDENT?!!"

THIS IS AN INTERESTING QUESTION, IF BY "INTERESTING" YOU MEAN "EASILY SOLVED BY THE APPLICATION OF RADIATION-ENHANCED BRAINPOWER AND A LEAD PIPE THE SIZE OF PORTUGAL"!!  LET'S START BY ELIMINATING ALL THE BABY-FACES, WHICH IS MOST OF THEM!!:

NOW, HERE WE HAVE TO ADDRESS A FEW OBJECTIONS FROM MILKBABIES IN PRETTY LITTLE SUNDRESSES!!

1.  WHAT ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON?  HE WORE A WIG AND KNEE-HIGH STOCKINGS, AND PROBABLY A PETTICOAT WHEN NO ONE WAS AROUND!!

2.  ANDREW JACKSON?  WHILE WE ADMIRE THE ENORMITY OF BOTH HIS STUBBORNNESS AND HIS PRESIDENTIAL WHEEL OF CHEESE, HE COULD NEVER COMMIT TO COVERING THAT HATCHET-CATCHING MUG OF HIS WITH A FULL-ON BEARD MADE OF THUNDER!!

IKE?  IT'S TRUE THAT A MODERN SOLDIER WEARS HIS BEARD ON THE INSIDE!!  HOWEVER, I HAD TO SPEND FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE ON A 90,000-TON FLOATING VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED NAMED AFTER HIM, SO SCREW IKE!!

NOW IT'S TIME TO CULL THE FURRIES.  BEING A COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN MEANS HAVING A BEARD MADE OF THUNDER, NOT A MUSTACHE OR SIDEBURNS MADE OF HUMAN HAIR.  THAT ELIMINATES A FEW MORE ...

... INCLUDING TEDDY ROOSEVELT, WHOSE DISQUALIFICATION WOULD GRIEVE ME WERE I CAPABLE OF ANY EMOTION OTHER THAN HAMMER-RAGE!!  THAT LEAVES FIVE MEN STANDING!!  UNFORTUNATELY, NEARLY ALL LOSE THEIR CLAIM TO COBRASAURUS!!!!!NESS ALMOST IMMEDIATELY!!

BENJAMIN HARRISON, OUR MOST RECENT BEARDO, WAS BOTH PRECEDED AND SUCCEEDED BY GROVER "LOOKS LIKE THAT GUY THAT GOT HIT BY A TRUCK IN OFFICE SPACE" CLEVELAND!!  THIS MAKES HARRISON NOT ONLY THE GRANDSON OF OUR MOST EASILY-KILLED PRESIDENT BUT THE FILLING IN A GROVER CLEVELAND SANDWICH!!  AND NO COBRASAURUS!!!!! MAN IS EVER THE FILLING!!

JAMES GARFIELD, OF COURSE, IS ELIMINATED FOR HIS HISTORICALLY POOR TREATMENT OF RETARDED DOGS!!

THIS BRINGS US TO RUTHERFORD B. HAYES, WHO FAILED TO PROTECT HIS COUNTRY FROM THE GREAT ROBOT UPRISING OF 1879!!

ULYSSES S. GRANT MIGHT QUALIFY; AFTER ALL, HE WON THE WAR OF THE YANKEE AGGRESSION!!  BUT AS YOU MIGHT GUESS FROM THE FACT THAT I SAID "WAR OF THE YANKEE AGGRESSION", I'M FROM THE SOUTH!!  SCREW GRANT TWICE!!

AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE MAN WHO'S NOT JUST THE MOST COBRASAURUS!!!!! PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THESE UNITED STATES, BUT THE ONLY COBRASAURUS!!!!! PRESIDENT!!:

ABE "RAINBOW LIGHTNIN'" LINCOLN!!!!!

YES, HE LOOKS LIKE A STRETCHED APE, AND YES, HE WAS ALSO ONE OF THE YANKEE AGGRESSORS.  BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE LOOKS LIKE A STRETCHED APE AND THE YANKEE AGGRESSORS DID ACTUALLY WIN THE WAR!!

AND DON'T FORGET THESE HYPER-RELEVANT FACTS!!:

-- BORN ELEVEN MONTHS PREMATURE, HE SKINNED HIS FIRST MULE AT AGE -2!!

-- THE ONLY GAME HE EVER LOST AT WAS STRIP NINJITSU!!  BECAUSE HE NEVER PLAYED IT!!

-- HIS TEETH CONSTANTLY REGENERATED, JUST LIKE A SHARK'S!!

-- HE COULD SEE BEYOND RAGNAROK!!

-- HIS CHILDREN WERE ALL BORN WITH FUNCTIONAL ROCKET WINGS, JUST LIKE A SHARK'S!!

-- HE WON THE BATTLES OF BULL RUN, THERMOPYLAE, AND ENDOR SINGLE-HANDED ... WITH ONE SINGLE HAND!!

-- HIS STOVEPIPE HAT WAS ALWAYS SLAP FULL OF BISCUITS AND GRAVY ... JUST LIKE A SHARK'S!!

-- WHEN HE FOUND OUT GRANT WAS PERPETUALLY SO DRUNK HIS SWEAT WAS COMBUSTIBLE, LINCOLN SAID, "FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF WHISKEY HE DRINKS, GIVE A CASE OF IT TO THOSE SIX-LEGGED KILLER WHALES I CHARMED WITH MY POWER-MAD GIGA-MIND, AND THEN ARM THE KILLER WHALES WITH LASER KATANAS AND SEND THEM TO ALL MY OTHER GENERALS!!"

COBRASAURUS!!!!! HAS SPOKEN!!